I don't know an adult who likes these, but I think it's even worse when your kid only knows ONE. No variety, no downtime from this one horrible joke. In my case, the only joke my daughter knows is (I believe) from Dora.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana Who?
BANANA PANTS!
(and this is where I'm expected to say "haha, that's funny!" Fortunately for me, my children are still young enough that they cannot tell the difference between the first time I say it, glad to be playing with them, and the tenth time I say it, when I'm quietly searching for the roll of duct tape that will silence them.)
I tried to teach my 2 year old a new joke today, one I learned (and over used) as a kid - I'm sure we all did. It goes like this.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwain the bathtub! I'm dwowning!
(I know it's awesome right? It's better than Banana pants over and over okay!)
Unfortunately, the conversation with Lauren went like this (red is me, blue is her):
I'm gonna teach you a NEW joke!
Okay.
You say 'knock knock.'
Knock knock.
I say'Who's there?"
Who's there?
No, *I* say 'who's there?' Then you say Dwayne. Can you say Dwayne?
Dwayne.
Awesome. Then I say 'Dwayne who?' and you say 'Dwain the bathtub, I'm dwowning. Can you say that?
Dwain bathtub, I dwowning.
Perfect! Okay let's try. You say knock knock!
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
No no. You say Dwayne.
Oh. Dwayne.
Dwayne who.
*silence*
You say "dwain the bathtub, I'm dwowning."
Dwain bathtub, I dwown.
I'll take it! Let's try again. You say knock knock.
Knock knock.
Who's there?!
Dwayne.
(to myself: Excellent!) Dwayne who?!
Banana pants!
One more time, from the top! *repeats joke in entirely* Got it?
Got it.
Sweet. You say knock knock.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
*silence*
Is it DWAYNE?
No, I'm Lauren!
-.-
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
What Not to Say..
We're all familiar with TLC's What Not to Wear. If you aren't, you should probably stop associating with me. Just saying. TLC has a myriad of good shows, but one is very obviously missing: What Not to SAY. You'd think it would easy to realize when something is just a bad idea to spout off, but so many people fail anyway that I feel compelled to help them out. Feel free to print this list onto note cards, so instead of responding to idiots in the supermarket, you can hand them a card and walk away.
What Not to Say to Pregnant People
1) "You don't look pregnant, you just look a little heavier!" Seriously? I know women sometimes feel like bloated whales when they are pregnant (whether they look totally fabulous or not), but they would MUCH rather look pregnant (and have an excuse for looking what their perceive to be less than stellar) than fat. Duh.
2) "I knew someone who was ____ weeks along. Something horrible happened to her baby." No pregnant woman wants to hear your horror stories. She's got plenty of them running through her head at any given moment. She's considered all the dire situations imaginable, plus a few extra. She's covered. No need to help out.
3) "Are you sure you should be eating that?" Yeah, she's pretty sure, or she would have put it down. If it makes her throw up, gain ten pounds, or question the brain development of her unborn, that's her business, not yours.
4) "You know where those come from, right?" The only proper response to this is something snarky like "no, can you tell me?" or "Yes, and I enjoyed every minute of it!"
5) "Not long now then!" No matter how much longer the mother has, it probably feels like an eternity, and your comment feels patronizing. That, or she's terrified she won't get everything done in time, and reminding her of that fact would also be bad.
What Not to Say to Mothers
1) "Are you sure you can handle it?" Well, hopefully, because it's gonna happen whether she can handle it or not. But way to make her doubt herself, kind friend!
2) "You've really got your hands full, huh?!" Please don't state the obvious.
3) "Isn't it awful how we don't get to keep our bodies after we have babies?" She knows you just called her fat, even though you tried to conceal it. You're totally busted.
4) "I enjoyed every minute of being a parent." You're a big fat liar, Friend! And you're just making others feel inadequate.
5) "And you want MORE?" Yeah, she does. Kids are bad sometimes. Kids are annoying sometimes. Kids make you feel like you're going to lose your mind. I know it's hard to believe that people enjoy the many OTHER moments of being a parent, though.
This one isn't a specific line you might feed someone, but it's a situation you don't want to mess with. The other day I was standing in the check out line at Walmart. I had a few items in my cart, as well as two children, and another walking along side. The smallest child had been screaming since we left the car, but these were items I needed and couldn't wait to procure. As we got to the check out line, I paused in front of those single serving boxes of goldfish. Struck with brilliance, I grabbed one and proceeded to try and open it. Much like those milk cartons in elementary school, it was a tricky container to open. It took me a few seconds. During that dew seconds, the previously screaming child started screaming more loudly and trying to slap the goldfish container from my hands. The slightly older child in the bottom of the cart stood up and starting spamming "gold fish, please. PLEASE. GOLD FISH! GOLD FISH PLEASE!" And the even bigger child walking beside the cart was saying "Can I have these colored gold fish?" And from behind me I hear a very annoyed voice saying "are you in line? Hello? Are you in line? Are. you. in line?"
I glanced behind me to make sure the guy wasn't holding some CPR paddles or an epi pen, and then continued to ignore him (for the record, he had a six pack of beer). "GOLD FISH!" "Are you in line?" When he started to push past me, right as I was distributing the gold fish to the three children, I stepped in his way and said "Yes, I *am* in line, and I am also busy. BACK OFF." He backed off, and I finished my distribution and then checked out efficiently and walked away.
Moral of the story: When the person in front of you in line delays your beer purchase to quiet a screaming child or two, suck it up. Otherwise, you know you're gonna go home and complain about the screaming kids of the world on your Facebook page.
What Not to Say to Pregnant People
1) "You don't look pregnant, you just look a little heavier!" Seriously? I know women sometimes feel like bloated whales when they are pregnant (whether they look totally fabulous or not), but they would MUCH rather look pregnant (and have an excuse for looking what their perceive to be less than stellar) than fat. Duh.
2) "I knew someone who was ____ weeks along. Something horrible happened to her baby." No pregnant woman wants to hear your horror stories. She's got plenty of them running through her head at any given moment. She's considered all the dire situations imaginable, plus a few extra. She's covered. No need to help out.
3) "Are you sure you should be eating that?" Yeah, she's pretty sure, or she would have put it down. If it makes her throw up, gain ten pounds, or question the brain development of her unborn, that's her business, not yours.
4) "You know where those come from, right?" The only proper response to this is something snarky like "no, can you tell me?" or "Yes, and I enjoyed every minute of it!"
5) "Not long now then!" No matter how much longer the mother has, it probably feels like an eternity, and your comment feels patronizing. That, or she's terrified she won't get everything done in time, and reminding her of that fact would also be bad.
What Not to Say to Mothers
1) "Are you sure you can handle it?" Well, hopefully, because it's gonna happen whether she can handle it or not. But way to make her doubt herself, kind friend!
2) "You've really got your hands full, huh?!" Please don't state the obvious.
3) "Isn't it awful how we don't get to keep our bodies after we have babies?" She knows you just called her fat, even though you tried to conceal it. You're totally busted.
4) "I enjoyed every minute of being a parent." You're a big fat liar, Friend! And you're just making others feel inadequate.
5) "And you want MORE?" Yeah, she does. Kids are bad sometimes. Kids are annoying sometimes. Kids make you feel like you're going to lose your mind. I know it's hard to believe that people enjoy the many OTHER moments of being a parent, though.
This one isn't a specific line you might feed someone, but it's a situation you don't want to mess with. The other day I was standing in the check out line at Walmart. I had a few items in my cart, as well as two children, and another walking along side. The smallest child had been screaming since we left the car, but these were items I needed and couldn't wait to procure. As we got to the check out line, I paused in front of those single serving boxes of goldfish. Struck with brilliance, I grabbed one and proceeded to try and open it. Much like those milk cartons in elementary school, it was a tricky container to open. It took me a few seconds. During that dew seconds, the previously screaming child started screaming more loudly and trying to slap the goldfish container from my hands. The slightly older child in the bottom of the cart stood up and starting spamming "gold fish, please. PLEASE. GOLD FISH! GOLD FISH PLEASE!" And the even bigger child walking beside the cart was saying "Can I have these colored gold fish?" And from behind me I hear a very annoyed voice saying "are you in line? Hello? Are you in line? Are. you. in line?"
I glanced behind me to make sure the guy wasn't holding some CPR paddles or an epi pen, and then continued to ignore him (for the record, he had a six pack of beer). "GOLD FISH!" "Are you in line?" When he started to push past me, right as I was distributing the gold fish to the three children, I stepped in his way and said "Yes, I *am* in line, and I am also busy. BACK OFF." He backed off, and I finished my distribution and then checked out efficiently and walked away.
Moral of the story: When the person in front of you in line delays your beer purchase to quiet a screaming child or two, suck it up. Otherwise, you know you're gonna go home and complain about the screaming kids of the world on your Facebook page.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Terrible Twos
I understand now why they call it the Terrible Twos. I used to think it was because children of this age are frustrated with their lack of communication skills. They want to do everything themselves, and are only capable of doing half what they want. Tantrums ensue. This makes sense to me, except this starts around 18 months, and ends about 2.5. Hardly "terrible twos." Then I thought "well, terrible 1.5-2.5s" doesn't have the same ring to it, so whoever coined the phrase just rounded. But recently, the REAL reason it's called "The Terrible Twos" has dawned on me.
A 2-year-old NEVER SHUTS UP. My daughter and I have conversations like this:
My 4-year-old has some developmental delays going on, and he's on roughly the same verbal level at my 2-year-old. His conversations go like this:
Aside from the fact that she never stops talking, she's gone from independent to clingy practically overnight. My child who used to play by herself willingly now wants me to interact with her every waking second of the day (and as you may have read in the co-sleeping post yesterday, every NOT waking moment as well). Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with my children. I'm not usually wishing to lock them in a vault and ignore them (maybe at 3am when she's suction cupped to my side), but if I have to read Cat in the Hat one more time, I might have a stroke.
No, the Terrible Twos have NOTHING to do with tantrums.
A 2-year-old NEVER SHUTS UP. My daughter and I have conversations like this:
Lauren: Mom, you're watching Mickey Mouse. Mickey Mouse, Mom. Mom, Mickey Mouse. Mom, you're watching Mickey Mouse. Mom watching Mickey Mouse? Look mom, Mickey Mouse. Mom, you're watching Mickey Mouse. Mom? Mom, mom. mom. mom. Mom?
Me: "OMFG WHAT DO YOU WANT, CHILD?!"
Lauren: "You're watching Mickey Mouse, look."And don't think I ignored her for five minutes or anything, because she managed to get out that whole Wall of Text in about 7 seconds.
My 4-year-old has some developmental delays going on, and he's on roughly the same verbal level at my 2-year-old. His conversations go like this:
"Mom?"
"Yes, Luke?"
"I need.... uh.... um... mom?"
*waits for him to continue*
"Mom? mom. mom. mom. MOM. Hello! Mom?"
"Yes, Luke?"
"I want... um... a sippy."I feel like he has a touch of OCD in that little brain of his, since he cannot start in the middle on a conversation, or even the middle of a line in a conversation. And not only MUST he start over, but I must verbally acknowledge his Moming before he will continue with the line of speech. And worse yet, Lauren has picked up on this little quirk, and she will not continue speaking until she is verbally acknowledged as well.
Aside from the fact that she never stops talking, she's gone from independent to clingy practically overnight. My child who used to play by herself willingly now wants me to interact with her every waking second of the day (and as you may have read in the co-sleeping post yesterday, every NOT waking moment as well). Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with my children. I'm not usually wishing to lock them in a vault and ignore them (maybe at 3am when she's suction cupped to my side), but if I have to read Cat in the Hat one more time, I might have a stroke.
No, the Terrible Twos have NOTHING to do with tantrums.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Co-sleeping
I am all about parents making conscious and informed decisions in all things parenting. There are some things that are always black and white, and some things that are typically black and white but have exceptions. I am an advocate for parents researching and coming to an informed decision. If they know what they are talking about, I will usually support their decisions, regardless of how much I agree with it. That brings me to co-sleeping.
I don't find it ridiculously unsafe, but I don't think it's right for every family either. I don't judge parents who choose to sleep with their infants, or ones that choose to keep a crib in the same room, or a separate room - it doesn't matter to me. My first two kids blissfully slept in the own room, and my youngest was in our bed for what seemed like 37 years.
You know how you used to think you were really fat, and now that you've had what feels like a dozen children, you look back at those pictures and think "wow, I wasn't fat at all!" I used to gripe and complain about sharing a bed with a 15 pound infant (and she was 15 pounds for a really long time). But now I look back at that time of my life and think "amazing." Because this is how I sleep now.
Because my family is awake at this time (that's a whole nother blog post), I had to use blankets to denote bodies.
The Toy Story blanket on the right - that's where my 4-year-old sleeps. He's huge for 4, weighing in at 65 pounds and wearing size 7 pants.
The blue and red blanket in the middle - that's where my husband lays. He often lays on his side in order to take up less space.
The pink blanket all the way on the left - that's where the almost-3-year-old sleeps.
And that spot of sheet between the husband and the 2-year-old - that's where I'm supposed to sleep. That would work if I was 12 perhaps, but I am old, and large in stature (isn't that a nice way to put it?).
Co-sleeping. Not a fan at this juncture.
I don't find it ridiculously unsafe, but I don't think it's right for every family either. I don't judge parents who choose to sleep with their infants, or ones that choose to keep a crib in the same room, or a separate room - it doesn't matter to me. My first two kids blissfully slept in the own room, and my youngest was in our bed for what seemed like 37 years.
You know how you used to think you were really fat, and now that you've had what feels like a dozen children, you look back at those pictures and think "wow, I wasn't fat at all!" I used to gripe and complain about sharing a bed with a 15 pound infant (and she was 15 pounds for a really long time). But now I look back at that time of my life and think "amazing." Because this is how I sleep now.
Because my family is awake at this time (that's a whole nother blog post), I had to use blankets to denote bodies.
The Toy Story blanket on the right - that's where my 4-year-old sleeps. He's huge for 4, weighing in at 65 pounds and wearing size 7 pants.
The blue and red blanket in the middle - that's where my husband lays. He often lays on his side in order to take up less space.
The pink blanket all the way on the left - that's where the almost-3-year-old sleeps.
And that spot of sheet between the husband and the 2-year-old - that's where I'm supposed to sleep. That would work if I was 12 perhaps, but I am old, and large in stature (isn't that a nice way to put it?).
Co-sleeping. Not a fan at this juncture.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Twas the Night Before Christmas (complete with apology)
Sorry, folks, I know it's been forever since I updated - I just haven't been in the mood for writing. But I am back, at least for now, and to start off my New Regime, I wrote you a poem. =)
Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Mom's patience was wanning
With a high-pitched Disney mouse.
The stocking were packed
In the closet with care
So no little children
Would know they were there.
The children were never
All snug in their beds
Because the idea of sleep
Never came into their heads.
With mommy wearing ear plugs
And daddy wanting a nap
It was already obvious
The kids would sleep like crap.
When out on the lawn
There was a terrible clatter
The dogs sprang from their spots
To see what was the matter.
Away to the window
Flew Po like a flash
With Carlisle on his tail
And Avalon last.
The porch light was on
And there sat the cat
The object of disdain
That made me long for a bat.
What with my half-open eyes
Did I see
But a stray terrier there
Looking at me.
He chased off the cat
And the dogs settled down
Mommy and daddy went back to bed
With a frown.
More rapid than vampires
The children, they came.
And used parents like trampolines
Until Mom called them by name:
Luke, Lauren, and Heidi
Get off of my head!!
Santa can't come until
You're all in your beds.
To your crib and your mattress
And your play pen so small
Now go away go away, go away all!
As antelopes that stampede
Before lions who growl
The children ran off
With a pitiful howl
And into their room
The three monsters they flew
To await Christmas day
And all the gifts, too.
And then in an instant
I heard through the door
The sound of three giggles
And stomps on the floor.
We let them have at it
Since they were out of our hair
They will never fall asleep
We thought with dispair.
Then what should we hear
When they were finally out of sight?
"Merry Christmas Sis and Heidi.
Good night."
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Mom's patience was wanning
With a high-pitched Disney mouse.
The stocking were packed
In the closet with care
So no little children
Would know they were there.
The children were never
All snug in their beds
Because the idea of sleep
Never came into their heads.
With mommy wearing ear plugs
And daddy wanting a nap
It was already obvious
The kids would sleep like crap.
When out on the lawn
There was a terrible clatter
The dogs sprang from their spots
To see what was the matter.
Away to the window
Flew Po like a flash
With Carlisle on his tail
And Avalon last.
The porch light was on
And there sat the cat
The object of disdain
That made me long for a bat.
What with my half-open eyes
Did I see
But a stray terrier there
Looking at me.
He chased off the cat
And the dogs settled down
Mommy and daddy went back to bed
With a frown.
More rapid than vampires
The children, they came.
And used parents like trampolines
Until Mom called them by name:
Luke, Lauren, and Heidi
Get off of my head!!
Santa can't come until
You're all in your beds.
To your crib and your mattress
And your play pen so small
Now go away go away, go away all!
As antelopes that stampede
Before lions who growl
The children ran off
With a pitiful howl
And into their room
The three monsters they flew
To await Christmas day
And all the gifts, too.
And then in an instant
I heard through the door
The sound of three giggles
And stomps on the floor.
We let them have at it
Since they were out of our hair
They will never fall asleep
We thought with dispair.
Then what should we hear
When they were finally out of sight?
"Merry Christmas Sis and Heidi.
Good night."
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
The Mommy Forums
It's about time I made this post. I've been procrastinating, always coming up with reasons to post something else, for fear of offending people. But I've had a crappy couple of days, and I'm just gonna go ahead and be potentially offensive.
Without further adu, the pros and cons of mommy forums.
PROS
1) Adult conversation and interaction
2) Knowledge is power, and mommies are full of knowledge on every subject a la parenting that you could ever imagine. From eating lunch meat during pregnancy to writing college essays for your teenagers, mommies know it ALL.
3) The ability to commune with adults who share your parenting beliefs and ideals. A whole forum of people who are obsessed with baby names, love to breast feed, or had a baby born in or around April 2006.
4) The chance to show off how cute your kid is, and how advanced he or she is for his or her age. This is also where you lament their delays, discuss their health issues, and (pretend to) celebrate the accomplishments of other babies, and lament with their mothers over whatever.
5) The opportunity to declare that you know the most about _____.
CONS
1) Is it really adult interaction if all you talk about is how your breasts are sore, and what color your baby's poop is? Shouldn't you be aiming for adult conversation about.. adults? Or at least adult situations and topics?
2) Does it count as conversation even when there is none?
Example A:
Mom 1: I am so mad. This is why.
Mom 2: OMG that stinks, sorry.
Mom 3: OMG. Here's what happened to me.
Mom 4: OMG. Here's what happened to me.
Mom 5: Hey, mom 3, what did you about _____ in the situation you described?
Mom 3: Never checks the thread again, because she already read it once and responded and has no interest in what anyone else has to say on the topic.
Example B:
Mom 1: Can you please suggest baby names that fit these criteria?
Mom 2: Sure. I like these names, and these. And here's some random ones.
Mom 3: List of names.
Mom 4: List of names (a few of which are on the same list that mom 2 or 3 provided)
Mom 5: List of names that was mostly already suggested by the first three moms.
Mom 6: I didn't read the other responses, sorry for repeats! List of names that's already been 98% covered by other posts.
Mom 7: Has no original suggestions whatsoever. Hope that helps!
Example C:
Mom 1: Who's baby is already ____?
Mom 2: Mine
Mom 3: Not mine
Mom 4: Long elaborate story about why her baby is or is not already ____.
Mom 5: Mine.
Mom 6: Mine
Mom 7: Not mine.
*Moves to a second page, and not one person comments on what another person has said. Each person leaves an individual comment and moves on.
3) Bad Info. Mommies are full of knowledge, but unfortunately a lot of them are also full of crap, whether they know it or not. Crap they pulled off Dr. Yahoo Answers, crap their parents and in-laws told them, crap their doctors told them. They like to pretend they know what you're talking about, and when you tell me they are wrong.. well, see number 8.
4) Tunnel Vision. When you only talk to people who share your beliefs/values, you miss out on valuable insight into "the other side" and sometimes even become blinded to it. You lose the ability to "think like the enemy" and understand their point of view. Ever seen lemmings (start the video at 1:40)?
5) You have to put up with all the other show-off moms.
Example: Ichachekni (pronounced Ike) is already crawling! I'm posting this to show off that my four month old is crawling, but I'm gonna end it with "who else is crawling?!" just so I don't look like a totally self centered braggart, even though I'm pretty sure my kid's the first to crawl, otherwise I wouldn't be posting. How embarrassing if he was the SECOND! Also, I will only be reading this thread to read the validation I'll get for my kid being the best already.
6) The Better Mom's Brigade. You know exactly what I'm talking about. The moms who only comment on forum threads where they can swoop in and show how much better they are at nutrition, discipline, being green, whatever the topic is. They never admit they are wrong, and the only time they start posts is so they can prove how awesome they are by cleverly displaying how they balance their busy schedule or successfully discipline their practically perfect children.
7) Majority rules, and cliques prevail. Mommy forums are JUST like high school. Heaven forbid that you don't agree with the majority, are able to see the other side of a topic, or aren't a complete judgmental Nazi about your passion of choice. You will be ostracized.
8) No confrontation without drama. Mommies don't go to mommy forums to be told they are wrong. They do not want to hear it. They want to be validated in their choices, no matter how foolish. They want someone to tell them that what they did is okay, because they lack the confidence in themselves and their parenting abilities to just KNOW it's fine. Or, more likely, they know it's actually not fine, and just want to be lied to or reassured by other people who screwed up, too. But if you ever DARE to tell them the truth, even nicely, all heck breaks loose. Suddenly they are the victim, and you are the heartless be-yotch who judges everyone needlessly. It's pretty much impossible to tell someone you disagree with them without people immediately complaining about the levels of drama.
9) Trolls. Do I even have to go into this one? You get sucked into the tragic personal life of someone, your "heart breaks for them" and you "spend hours thinking about them all the time" because you're such a super awesome person to invest in complete strangers that you really know nothing about, and SURPRISE! They were lying. Now you're heart broken, ruined, and can never trust a complete stranger with a keyboard ever again. The shock. The horror. The repetition.
10) Other attention seekers (that aren't trolls).
Example A: We've decided to name our baby the most popular name from 2010, and we simply CAN'T think of a good middle name! You guys should suggest popular and generic names for us to consider, because for some reason browsing the internet, the SSA top 1000 names, or investing in a $10 book of 100,000 baby names would just be too much work.
Example B: Does anyone know anything at all about this somewhat mundane topic I'm asking about? I don't want to Google because I'd rather interact with these people on a forum, so please tell me about this stupidly obviously topic.
Example C: OMGosh, guys. I had sex, and now my period is late, and my boobs are sore. Am I pregnant? I know I could just go to the dollar store and get a stick and pee on it, and that would answer my question, but I'd rather ask a bunch of other women to tell my fortune over the internet and decide whether or not I'm pregnant! Respond to my post so that I know you care, even though I'm being ridiculous.
Example D: I am such a bad mom because my kid managed to do something that every child does at some point (roll off a bad, trip and hit their head on a coffee table, eat yellow snow, etc etc). Please respond to my thread and tell me that I'm not a bad mom for letting something perfectly normal happen to my child, even though I know that other people on this forum have also let this happen. They aren't bad moms though, just me, because I'm bad. Please tell me I'm not!
And there you have it, friends. Why I hate mommy forums. Maybe I'm just too cynical, past my mommy forum prime. Maybe I've been doing it wrong (hey, I'm not afraid to admit that might be the case). Maybe I just never managed to get so invested in strangers that I was appropriately devastated by their sudden but inevitable betrayal, or maybe I'm just too fond of looking stuff up on the internet before asking obvious questions that I could find the answer to in 30 seconds.
My confessions:
I am ashamed to admit that I did some of the things above - I have succumbed to number 4, and I have pleaded for my fair share of attention. And I'm not gonna lie: I learned a lot from mommy forums, and I met some super nice people that are still my friends on Facebook. I said they have their uses in the Pros column, after all. ;)
Without further adu, the pros and cons of mommy forums.
PROS
1) Adult conversation and interaction
2) Knowledge is power, and mommies are full of knowledge on every subject a la parenting that you could ever imagine. From eating lunch meat during pregnancy to writing college essays for your teenagers, mommies know it ALL.
3) The ability to commune with adults who share your parenting beliefs and ideals. A whole forum of people who are obsessed with baby names, love to breast feed, or had a baby born in or around April 2006.
4) The chance to show off how cute your kid is, and how advanced he or she is for his or her age. This is also where you lament their delays, discuss their health issues, and (pretend to) celebrate the accomplishments of other babies, and lament with their mothers over whatever.
5) The opportunity to declare that you know the most about _____.
CONS
1) Is it really adult interaction if all you talk about is how your breasts are sore, and what color your baby's poop is? Shouldn't you be aiming for adult conversation about.. adults? Or at least adult situations and topics?
2) Does it count as conversation even when there is none?
Example A:
Mom 1: I am so mad. This is why.
Mom 2: OMG that stinks, sorry.
Mom 3: OMG. Here's what happened to me.
Mom 4: OMG. Here's what happened to me.
Mom 5: Hey, mom 3, what did you about _____ in the situation you described?
Mom 3: Never checks the thread again, because she already read it once and responded and has no interest in what anyone else has to say on the topic.
Mom 1: Can you please suggest baby names that fit these criteria?
Mom 2: Sure. I like these names, and these. And here's some random ones.
Mom 3: List of names.
Mom 4: List of names (a few of which are on the same list that mom 2 or 3 provided)
Mom 5: List of names that was mostly already suggested by the first three moms.
Mom 6: I didn't read the other responses, sorry for repeats! List of names that's already been 98% covered by other posts.
Mom 7: Has no original suggestions whatsoever. Hope that helps!
Example C:
Mom 1: Who's baby is already ____?
Mom 2: Mine
Mom 3: Not mine
Mom 4: Long elaborate story about why her baby is or is not already ____.
Mom 5: Mine.
Mom 6: Mine
Mom 7: Not mine.
*Moves to a second page, and not one person comments on what another person has said. Each person leaves an individual comment and moves on.
3) Bad Info. Mommies are full of knowledge, but unfortunately a lot of them are also full of crap, whether they know it or not. Crap they pulled off Dr. Yahoo Answers, crap their parents and in-laws told them, crap their doctors told them. They like to pretend they know what you're talking about, and when you tell me they are wrong.. well, see number 8.
4) Tunnel Vision. When you only talk to people who share your beliefs/values, you miss out on valuable insight into "the other side" and sometimes even become blinded to it. You lose the ability to "think like the enemy" and understand their point of view. Ever seen lemmings (start the video at 1:40)?
5) You have to put up with all the other show-off moms.
Example: Ichachekni (pronounced Ike) is already crawling! I'm posting this to show off that my four month old is crawling, but I'm gonna end it with "who else is crawling?!" just so I don't look like a totally self centered braggart, even though I'm pretty sure my kid's the first to crawl, otherwise I wouldn't be posting. How embarrassing if he was the SECOND! Also, I will only be reading this thread to read the validation I'll get for my kid being the best already.
6) The Better Mom's Brigade. You know exactly what I'm talking about. The moms who only comment on forum threads where they can swoop in and show how much better they are at nutrition, discipline, being green, whatever the topic is. They never admit they are wrong, and the only time they start posts is so they can prove how awesome they are by cleverly displaying how they balance their busy schedule or successfully discipline their practically perfect children.
7) Majority rules, and cliques prevail. Mommy forums are JUST like high school. Heaven forbid that you don't agree with the majority, are able to see the other side of a topic, or aren't a complete judgmental Nazi about your passion of choice. You will be ostracized.
8) No confrontation without drama. Mommies don't go to mommy forums to be told they are wrong. They do not want to hear it. They want to be validated in their choices, no matter how foolish. They want someone to tell them that what they did is okay, because they lack the confidence in themselves and their parenting abilities to just KNOW it's fine. Or, more likely, they know it's actually not fine, and just want to be lied to or reassured by other people who screwed up, too. But if you ever DARE to tell them the truth, even nicely, all heck breaks loose. Suddenly they are the victim, and you are the heartless be-yotch who judges everyone needlessly. It's pretty much impossible to tell someone you disagree with them without people immediately complaining about the levels of drama.
10) Other attention seekers (that aren't trolls).
Example A: We've decided to name our baby the most popular name from 2010, and we simply CAN'T think of a good middle name! You guys should suggest popular and generic names for us to consider, because for some reason browsing the internet, the SSA top 1000 names, or investing in a $10 book of 100,000 baby names would just be too much work.
Example B: Does anyone know anything at all about this somewhat mundane topic I'm asking about? I don't want to Google because I'd rather interact with these people on a forum, so please tell me about this stupidly obviously topic.
Example D: I am such a bad mom because my kid managed to do something that every child does at some point (roll off a bad, trip and hit their head on a coffee table, eat yellow snow, etc etc). Please respond to my thread and tell me that I'm not a bad mom for letting something perfectly normal happen to my child, even though I know that other people on this forum have also let this happen. They aren't bad moms though, just me, because I'm bad. Please tell me I'm not!
And there you have it, friends. Why I hate mommy forums. Maybe I'm just too cynical, past my mommy forum prime. Maybe I've been doing it wrong (hey, I'm not afraid to admit that might be the case). Maybe I just never managed to get so invested in strangers that I was appropriately devastated by their sudden but inevitable betrayal, or maybe I'm just too fond of looking stuff up on the internet before asking obvious questions that I could find the answer to in 30 seconds.
My confessions:
I am ashamed to admit that I did some of the things above - I have succumbed to number 4, and I have pleaded for my fair share of attention. And I'm not gonna lie: I learned a lot from mommy forums, and I met some super nice people that are still my friends on Facebook. I said they have their uses in the Pros column, after all. ;)
Friday, October 21, 2011
I Am a Perfect Mother
I raise my voice too often.
I hate cleaning, and therefore
My house is not spotlessly clean.
I loathe soccer games.
I raise my voice too much.
I don't have enough patience.
I long for date nights, and
Laundromat nights.
I reach the end of my rope too often.
I hate it when my kids try to help with chores.
My kids always need a bath,
Even if I just bathed them.
I feed them processed food sometimes,
And don't always cook elaborate meals.
I let them watch TV
and climb trees.
I recognize their needs and
Meet them when I can.
I recognize their wants
And try to fulfill them.
I love them unconditionally
Always, forever, and beyond.
I play with them.
I teach them things.
They are the reason I breathe
The reason I get out of bed.
I will never hurt them.
I will always try to keep them safe.
I will always do the best I can,
And I will take care of myself so
I can always be here for them.
I teach them skills and manners.
I respect them, cherish them,
Adore them, live for them.
I am their mom and that means
I am a perfect mother.
This is pretty poorly written poem (it doesn't even rhyme, Kes!), but that's not the point. I've said it myself, and I hear it all the time - "the perfect mother." But I think we have a skewed idea of perfection in the mothering department. You don't have to do everything right all the time, and you don't have to do everything the best. Love your children, and do right by them. That's perfection.
I hate cleaning, and therefore
My house is not spotlessly clean.
I loathe soccer games.
I raise my voice too much.
I don't have enough patience.
I long for date nights, and
Laundromat nights.
I reach the end of my rope too often.
I hate it when my kids try to help with chores.
My kids always need a bath,
Even if I just bathed them.
I feed them processed food sometimes,
And don't always cook elaborate meals.
I let them watch TV
and climb trees.
I recognize their needs and
Meet them when I can.
I recognize their wants
And try to fulfill them.
I love them unconditionally
Always, forever, and beyond.
I play with them.
I teach them things.
They are the reason I breathe
The reason I get out of bed.
I will never hurt them.
I will always try to keep them safe.
I will always do the best I can,
And I will take care of myself so
I can always be here for them.
I teach them skills and manners.
I respect them, cherish them,
Adore them, live for them.
I am their mom and that means
I am a perfect mother.
This is pretty poorly written poem (it doesn't even rhyme, Kes!), but that's not the point. I've said it myself, and I hear it all the time - "the perfect mother." But I think we have a skewed idea of perfection in the mothering department. You don't have to do everything right all the time, and you don't have to do everything the best. Love your children, and do right by them. That's perfection.
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