The Mommy Forums

It's about time I made this post.  I've been procrastinating, always coming up with reasons to post something else, for fear of offending people.  But I've had a crappy couple of days, and I'm just gonna go ahead and be potentially offensive.

Without further adu, the pros and cons of mommy forums.

PROS
1) Adult conversation and interaction

2) Knowledge is power, and mommies are full of knowledge on every subject a la parenting that you could ever imagine.  From eating lunch meat during pregnancy to writing college essays for your teenagers, mommies know it ALL.

3) The ability to commune with adults who share your parenting beliefs and ideals.  A whole forum of people who are obsessed with baby names, love to breast feed, or had a baby born in or around April 2006.

4) The chance to show off how cute your kid is, and how advanced he or she is for his or her age.  This is also where you lament their delays, discuss their health issues, and (pretend to) celebrate the accomplishments of other babies, and lament with their mothers over whatever.

5) The opportunity to declare that you know the most about _____.

CONS
1) Is it really adult interaction if all you talk about is how your breasts are sore, and what color your baby's poop is? Shouldn't you be aiming for adult conversation about.. adults? Or at least adult situations and topics?

2) Does it count as conversation even when there is none?
Example A:
Mom 1: I am so mad.  This is why.
Mom 2: OMG that stinks, sorry.
Mom 3: OMG.  Here's what happened to me.
Mom 4: OMG.  Here's what happened to me.
Mom 5: Hey, mom 3, what did you about _____ in the situation you described?
Mom 3: Never checks the thread again, because she already read it once and responded and has no interest in what anyone else has to say on the topic.

Example B:
Mom 1: Can you please suggest baby names that fit these criteria?
Mom 2: Sure.  I like these names, and these.  And here's some random ones.
Mom 3: List of names.
Mom 4: List of names (a few of which are on the same list that mom 2 or 3 provided)
Mom 5: List of names that was mostly already suggested by the first three moms.
Mom 6: I didn't read the other responses, sorry for repeats! List of names that's already been 98% covered by other posts.
Mom 7: Has no original suggestions whatsoever.  Hope that helps!
Example C:
Mom 1: Who's baby is already ____?
Mom 2: Mine
Mom 3: Not mine
Mom 4: Long elaborate story about why her baby is or is not already ____.
Mom 5: Mine.
Mom 6: Mine
Mom 7: Not mine.
*Moves to a second page, and not one person comments on what another person has said.  Each person leaves an individual comment and moves on.

3) Bad Info. Mommies are full of knowledge, but unfortunately a lot of them are also full of crap, whether they know it or not.  Crap they pulled off Dr. Yahoo Answers, crap their parents and in-laws told them, crap their doctors told them.  They like to pretend they know what you're talking about, and when you tell me they are wrong.. well, see number 8.

4) Tunnel Vision. When you only talk to people who share your beliefs/values, you miss out on valuable insight into "the other side" and sometimes even become blinded to it.  You lose the ability to "think like the enemy" and understand their point of view.  Ever seen lemmings (start the video at 1:40)?

5) You have to put up with all the other show-off moms.
Example: Ichachekni (pronounced Ike) is already crawling!  I'm posting this to show off that my four month old is crawling, but I'm gonna end it with "who else is crawling?!" just so I don't look like a totally self centered braggart, even though I'm pretty sure my kid's the first to crawl, otherwise I wouldn't be posting.  How embarrassing if he was the SECOND!  Also, I will only be reading this thread to read the validation I'll get for my kid being the best already.

6) The Better Mom's Brigade.  You know exactly what I'm talking about.  The moms who only comment on forum threads where they can swoop in and show how much better they are at nutrition, discipline, being green, whatever the topic is.  They never admit they are wrong, and the only time they start posts is so they can prove how awesome they are by cleverly displaying how they balance their busy schedule or successfully discipline their practically perfect children.

7) Majority rules, and cliques prevail.  Mommy forums are JUST like high school.  Heaven forbid that you don't agree with the majority, are able to see the other side of a topic, or aren't a complete judgmental Nazi about your passion of choice.  You will be ostracized.

8) No confrontation without drama.  Mommies don't go to mommy forums to be told they are wrong.  They do not want to hear it.  They want to be validated in their choices, no matter how foolish.  They want someone to tell them that what they did is okay, because they lack the confidence in themselves and their parenting abilities to just KNOW it's fine.  Or, more likely, they know it's actually not fine, and just want to be lied to or reassured by other people who screwed up, too.  But if you ever DARE to tell them the truth, even nicely, all heck breaks loose.  Suddenly they are the victim, and you are the heartless be-yotch who judges everyone needlessly.  It's pretty much impossible to tell someone you disagree with them without people immediately complaining about the levels of drama.

9) Trolls.  Do I even have to go into this one? You get sucked into the tragic personal life of someone, your "heart breaks for them" and you "spend hours thinking about them all the time" because you're such a super awesome person to invest in complete strangers that you really know nothing about, and SURPRISE! They were lying.  Now you're heart broken, ruined, and can never trust a complete stranger with a keyboard ever again.  The shock. The horror. The repetition.


10) Other attention seekers (that aren't trolls).
Example A: We've decided to name our baby the most popular name from 2010, and we simply CAN'T think of a good middle name!  You guys should suggest popular and generic names for us to consider, because for some reason browsing the internet, the SSA top 1000 names, or investing in a $10 book of 100,000 baby names would just be too much work.

Example B: Does anyone know anything at all about this somewhat mundane topic I'm asking about? I don't want to Google because I'd rather interact with these people on a forum, so please tell me about this stupidly obviously topic.

Example C: OMGosh, guys.  I had sex, and now my period is late, and my boobs are sore.  Am I pregnant? I know I could just go to the dollar store and get a stick and pee on it, and that would answer my question, but I'd rather ask a bunch of other women to tell my fortune over the internet and decide whether or not I'm pregnant! Respond to my post so that I know you care, even though I'm being ridiculous.

Example D: I am such a bad mom because my kid managed to do something that every child does at some point (roll off a bad, trip and hit their head on a coffee table, eat yellow snow, etc etc).  Please respond to my thread and tell me that I'm not a bad mom for letting something perfectly normal happen to my child, even though I know that other people on this forum have also let this happen.  They aren't bad moms though, just me, because I'm bad.  Please tell me I'm not!


And there you have it, friends.  Why I hate mommy forums.  Maybe I'm just too cynical, past my mommy forum prime. Maybe I've been doing it wrong (hey, I'm not afraid to admit that might be the case).  Maybe I just never managed to get so invested in strangers that I was appropriately devastated by their sudden but inevitable betrayal, or maybe I'm just too fond of looking stuff up on the internet before asking obvious questions that I could find the answer to in 30 seconds.

My confessions:
I am ashamed to admit that I did some of the things above - I have succumbed to number 4, and I have pleaded for my fair share of attention.  And I'm not gonna lie: I learned a lot from mommy forums, and I met some super nice people that are still my friends on Facebook.  I said they have their uses in the Pros column, after all. ;)

Birth, Start to Finish

I'm not gonna talk about what's right or wrong, because I honestly feel like that's different for everyone.  Instead, I'm going to make a list on what *I* think a mother should be educated about and/or prepared for prior to labor onset.  Once educated on the various choices, informed consent comes in to play, and it is completely the mother's choice of which risks she wants to choose.  So here are the MAIN birth choices, that mothers should look into.

I tried to find useful and neutral links, but please forgive me if I misjudged somewhere.  And sometimes I linked to Wikipedia, which is not THE most valid source of information sometimes, but it's still a good place to start.  These links should not be the end-all to your research.  You've got at least 30 weeks in most cases to learn about all this stuff, and I've only provided you with a good place to start, rather than everything you need to know.

How to Identify a bad source of information:

1. You want to try to stick with source websites that are .org, .gov, or .edu.  These domains have rules about what they can and cannot post, and in theory the information should be accurate.  .net and .com have no rules, and they can post whatever they want.  Try to avoid those.
2. If the site is telling you to use a natural form of labor induction such as castor oil, spicy food, or pineapple, just walk away.  While they may have some valid information on their site, feeding you wive's tales and false information makes them more than a bit sketchy.
3. Wikipedia is not always accurate, so make sure you double check it.
4. Avoid biased sources of information (this will be a majority of websites when it comes to birth choices).  If they aren't talking about specific studies and citing sources, but promising catastrophic results for choosing ____, you should run away.  Fast.

Happy researching!

(WARNING: While these links are in no way pornographic, several of them do picture women in labor or immediately after birth, and therefore in various stages of undress, with various body parts exposed.  Don't click the link if your boss would object to you seeing real boobs, or if you're grossed out by birth in general.  Please and thanks!)

Prenatal Care

• Obstetrician
• Midwife
• Unassisted
• To Doula or Not to Doula

Birthing Location

• Hospital
• Birthing Center
• Water
• Home

Induction

• Cytotec
• Cervidil
• Pitocin
• Membrane stripping
• Breaking the water

Reasons your doctor may suggest an induction, or you may choose to request one

• You're approaching, have reached, or passed 40 weeks
• 42 weeks have come and gone
• Fetal size (baby is too big to deliver / macrosomia)
• Convenience
• Gestational Diabetes
• Complications in previous pregnancies
• Preeclamsia 

Various interventions

• Group B Strep antibiotics
• Fluid pushing IVs
• Continuous fetal monitoring
• Narcotic pain management
• Epidural
• Pitocin augmentation
• Episiotomy
• Instrumental delivery (forceps or vacuum) (PDF format)

Reasons suggested for C-sections

• Fetal size (Baby too big to deliver)
• Previous C-section
• Failure to progress during labor
• Baby's position before labor (breech or transverse)
• Baby's presentation during labor (face, brow, shoulder, etc)

Immediate postnatal and beyond choices

• Breasfeeding
• Formula Feeding
• Delayed Cord Clamping
• Baby Wearing
• Diapering (Cloth vs Disposables)

There are more things a mother can research.  If you try to read it all, it's possible your head my explode (but probably not).  These are just some of the main issues that may come up, the more common complications, and the things you should know about BEFORE your doctor mentions them.  Research your choices so that you may give legitimately informed consent.  Know what you are risking, know what chances you are taking with your life and that of your baby, know what choices you have, and make your decision from there.

Other links a mother or mother-to-be might enjoy:

The Unnecessarian (Avoiding a Cesarean, and VBAC support)

ICAN (VBAC support)

Birthcenters (find a birth center)

The Center for Pregnancy and Newborn Research
Lotus Birth (an alternative birth philosophy)

La Leche League (breast feeding resources)

Attachment Parenting (A Parenting Philosophy)

Car Seat Safety (Make sure your child is safe in the car)

Car Seat Usage, with pictures (Using a car seat in a nutshell)

Choosing a Car Seat (car seats options by brand, features/stats, and price)

Water Safety (Keep kids safe in the water)

Baby Names (My blog post on how to name a baby, you may or may not like it)

Baby names for real (a real link to a real baby names site)
Shape of a Mother (what postpartum bodies really looks like)

20 Facts You Know I'm Right About

1. The toilet paper is not going to put itself on the roll

2. There's always gonna be one douche bag that waits until the last second to merge, because somehow being 25 feet closer to the inevitable red light is superior to your position.

3. Movies you loved at 12 are rarely as good when you watch them at 25.  Their quality degrades over time.

4. Analog clocks without numbers on them should be banned.

5. Sarcasm is lost on the masses, especially when the masses are on the internet.  The same can be sad for intelligence and grammer. (catch that one?)

6. As time goes on, trends in baby names get stupider and less educated.

7. As time goes on, people get less educated in general.

8. As I get older, I find myself losing brain cells along the way.  I no longer remember things I used to remember.  This is obviously the fault of aliens.

9. Buying a brand new car is never the right decision.

10. Having a child won't make people grow up if they don't want to.

11. Sideways pony tails are never coming back.

12. Fitted sheets are best folded by being wadded into a ball and flung with no remorse into the linen closet.

13. Red lights exist so people don't have to text and drive at the same time.

14. Some names should be reserved for pets, cars, or video game characters.

15. Gene Roddenberry invented the eReader in the 60s.

16. There is nothing scarier than the moment you KNOW you are going to die because you tipped your chair back too far.

17. The light at the end of the tunnel is probably a train.

18. Television shows for toddlers and pre-schoolers, who are learning to talk and read, should not include made up words like "tellaterrific" or "alphabatastic."  This is just counter productive, IMO.

19. Middle school is pretty much the third circle of Hell, and we're all lucky to have made it out alive.

20. High school drama never ends in high school.

Baby Naming Rules

I fully admit that I am a name snob.  I'm picky, I'm choosy, and I hate when people do it wrong.  And yes, I obviously think there is a right and wrong way to do it!  There are some people who have even more dos and don'ts than I do, so I actually consider myself to have only a medium level of snobbery.  Here are my top ten annoyances, listed in no particular order:


1) Do not use a nick name as a given name, unless it has already been transformed.  For instance, Heidi is an acceptable given name, because although it is technically a nick name, it has taken on it's own personality and become a given name.  But Charlie is short of Charles, and not a given name.  Especially not for a girl.  Name your little girl Charlotte if you want to call her Charlie, but please don't just go out and name her Charlie.  It's cruel.

2) Nick names.  I really don't like most of them.  I accept that almost everyone else likes them, and they are inevitable.  BUT if you're going to name your child something uncommon and unique(ish) or exotic sounding, like Elliana, do not give her a boring and common nick name (like Ellie).  Ellie should be reserved for names more common and more boring that Elliana.  If you intend to call her Ellie from the start or her life, then why bother with the fancy first name at all? Just name her Ellen.

3) Do not spell it wrong.  This includes things like: Lilyan, Sharlotte, Aidyn.  It doesn't make a common and popular name "more unique" to change the spelling.  It's still the same name - now it's just common, popular, and spelled wrong.  If you don't like the way a name looks when spelled correctly, perhaps you should make a different selection.
     3b) To spell a name drastically wrong by adding letters, changing phonetic sounds, or removing letters is to make yourself look very uneducated.  Charadee instead of Charity, Jasonh instead of Jason, or Zanee instead of Zane, for instance.  Just don't do it.  Everyone who meets your child will think his/her parents were idiots.
     3c) Spelling a boy's name incorrectly does not make it suddenly a girl's name.  The following names are still technically male names:
Emersyn
Addisyn/Adyson
Logyn
Bradlee
There are so many more.  Just don't.  I'm not opposed to using male names on baby girls, but if you're going to do it, don't dress it up fancy and pretend it's a different name. Unfortunately, because of the huge influx of girls given boy names, the choices for boy names are drastically dropping.  Addison and Emerson shouldn't really be given to boys at this point anyways.

4) A name should not be phonetically nonsensical.  Take the following examples:
     a. Jaxson - this is not pronounced Jackson, but Jacks-son.  It's got a double S sound, and it's redundant.  Jaxon is spelled wrong, but at least it makes sense.
     b. Cristion - there is a difference, in the English language, between a tian sound, and a tion sound.  It's subtle, but it's there.  Consider the words "transition" and "Haitian."  See the difference?
     c. Makaila - ai sounds like eye not ay. As in the names Caius, Kai, and Gaius.  I realize this can be confusing because of some popular names like Hailey and Bailey, but it should be noted that Hailey is pronounced Hail-ee and not Hay-lee.  Again, a subtle difference.  If you're looking for an ay sound without just using a letter a, then you're looking for ae as in Mae and Rae.
     d. Mykayla or Kyra - the "y" at the beginning of a name makes an eye sound, not an ih or ee sound.  For proof, consider the names Tyler, Tyra, Myra, Ty, Tyson, Kyla, and Shyla.  If you name your daughter Kyra, but meant Keer-uh, then don't get pissy when it's pronounced correctly - you spelled it wrong.  For the record, there's nothing wrong with the name Kyra when you want it pronounced Ky-ruh.

5) Don't name your baby something hard to live up to.  Examples of this would be:
Precious
Ja'Majesty
Princess
Chastity
Celebration
Aphrodite

Rex

Caesar
Hercules
Jesus
Because every teacher knows a kid named Precious who was not even close to being a precious child.

6) Cliche middle names are lame.  I know that a one-syllable middle name sounds great with almost every name, but it's been done over and over.  It's common, it's popular, and it's down right boring.  If it has meaning to you because of family or friends or yourself, then it's useable, but using the following middle names "just because you like the flow" is really boring.  This generally applies to girls:

Grace

Ann/e

Lynn/e

Jane

June

Rose

Kate

Claire

May/Mae

Rae/Ray

Leigh/Lee
There are some cliche and boring polysyllabic middle names as well, such as

Marie

Elizabeth

Renee

Nicole (I'm guilty of this one, but it's because Andy loves the name Nicole, not because it "just sounds good."  It wasn't a filler name for us)
Do your daughter a favor, and give her a middle name that required some thought and consideration.  A name you love.  A middle name doesn't have to be just a filler.

7) Some names should be left to certain occupations.
Fantasy
Fantasia
Phelix (though Felix is fine)
Treasure
Please, just no.

8) Stick with your own culture.  Don't get me wrong, I love the names Keiko, Brigitte, and Mercedes, but since I'm not Asian, French, or Latina, I'm not going to use them.  Ancient names, like Greek, Roman, Latin - those are okay, because I don't think that people specifically from Greece or Rome use names like Ariadne, Ilythia, and Lucretia anymore.

9a) The letter Y does not belong in a boy's name, especially when it wasn't there originally.  I can tolerate names like Cody and Tyler, though I'd never use them myself.  But sticking a y where it doesn't belong is just asking for your son to be labeled a sissy.  Examples:
Jayson
Justyn
Hadyn
Eryc
Alyx
Aidyn
Y is a girly letter - leave it to the girls.
9b) Nature names belong to girls.  Period.

10) Some names are just unusable because of history or pop culture. These names should be avoided completely.  Examples include, but are not limited to:
Adolph
Rudolph
Lindsey
Mel (for boys)
Michelangelo, Donatello, Rafael, Leonardo
Paris
The list is really much much longer.  If everyone and their brother will associate your baby's name with a serial killer, mass murderer, reindeer, very famous cartoon character, or really really bad celebrity, it's safe to assume you should avoid it for your own child, at least until that celebrity falls off the face of the planet, as most do eventually.


So there you have it - Kes' Top Ten rules on how NOT to name a baby.  As previously stated, some people have even more rules, such as:
No surnames as first names
No masculine names given to girls
A slew of names are just considered "over the top"
No word names or occupational names (like Archer or Bridger)
None of these coincide with my personal preferences, though. =)

Happy naming!