The Mommy Forums

It's about time I made this post.  I've been procrastinating, always coming up with reasons to post something else, for fear of offending people.  But I've had a crappy couple of days, and I'm just gonna go ahead and be potentially offensive.

Without further adu, the pros and cons of mommy forums.

PROS
1) Adult conversation and interaction

2) Knowledge is power, and mommies are full of knowledge on every subject a la parenting that you could ever imagine.  From eating lunch meat during pregnancy to writing college essays for your teenagers, mommies know it ALL.

3) The ability to commune with adults who share your parenting beliefs and ideals.  A whole forum of people who are obsessed with baby names, love to breast feed, or had a baby born in or around April 2006.

4) The chance to show off how cute your kid is, and how advanced he or she is for his or her age.  This is also where you lament their delays, discuss their health issues, and (pretend to) celebrate the accomplishments of other babies, and lament with their mothers over whatever.

5) The opportunity to declare that you know the most about _____.

CONS
1) Is it really adult interaction if all you talk about is how your breasts are sore, and what color your baby's poop is? Shouldn't you be aiming for adult conversation about.. adults? Or at least adult situations and topics?

2) Does it count as conversation even when there is none?
Example A:
Mom 1: I am so mad.  This is why.
Mom 2: OMG that stinks, sorry.
Mom 3: OMG.  Here's what happened to me.
Mom 4: OMG.  Here's what happened to me.
Mom 5: Hey, mom 3, what did you about _____ in the situation you described?
Mom 3: Never checks the thread again, because she already read it once and responded and has no interest in what anyone else has to say on the topic.

Example B:
Mom 1: Can you please suggest baby names that fit these criteria?
Mom 2: Sure.  I like these names, and these.  And here's some random ones.
Mom 3: List of names.
Mom 4: List of names (a few of which are on the same list that mom 2 or 3 provided)
Mom 5: List of names that was mostly already suggested by the first three moms.
Mom 6: I didn't read the other responses, sorry for repeats! List of names that's already been 98% covered by other posts.
Mom 7: Has no original suggestions whatsoever.  Hope that helps!
Example C:
Mom 1: Who's baby is already ____?
Mom 2: Mine
Mom 3: Not mine
Mom 4: Long elaborate story about why her baby is or is not already ____.
Mom 5: Mine.
Mom 6: Mine
Mom 7: Not mine.
*Moves to a second page, and not one person comments on what another person has said.  Each person leaves an individual comment and moves on.

3) Bad Info. Mommies are full of knowledge, but unfortunately a lot of them are also full of crap, whether they know it or not.  Crap they pulled off Dr. Yahoo Answers, crap their parents and in-laws told them, crap their doctors told them.  They like to pretend they know what you're talking about, and when you tell me they are wrong.. well, see number 8.

4) Tunnel Vision. When you only talk to people who share your beliefs/values, you miss out on valuable insight into "the other side" and sometimes even become blinded to it.  You lose the ability to "think like the enemy" and understand their point of view.  Ever seen lemmings (start the video at 1:40)?

5) You have to put up with all the other show-off moms.
Example: Ichachekni (pronounced Ike) is already crawling!  I'm posting this to show off that my four month old is crawling, but I'm gonna end it with "who else is crawling?!" just so I don't look like a totally self centered braggart, even though I'm pretty sure my kid's the first to crawl, otherwise I wouldn't be posting.  How embarrassing if he was the SECOND!  Also, I will only be reading this thread to read the validation I'll get for my kid being the best already.

6) The Better Mom's Brigade.  You know exactly what I'm talking about.  The moms who only comment on forum threads where they can swoop in and show how much better they are at nutrition, discipline, being green, whatever the topic is.  They never admit they are wrong, and the only time they start posts is so they can prove how awesome they are by cleverly displaying how they balance their busy schedule or successfully discipline their practically perfect children.

7) Majority rules, and cliques prevail.  Mommy forums are JUST like high school.  Heaven forbid that you don't agree with the majority, are able to see the other side of a topic, or aren't a complete judgmental Nazi about your passion of choice.  You will be ostracized.

8) No confrontation without drama.  Mommies don't go to mommy forums to be told they are wrong.  They do not want to hear it.  They want to be validated in their choices, no matter how foolish.  They want someone to tell them that what they did is okay, because they lack the confidence in themselves and their parenting abilities to just KNOW it's fine.  Or, more likely, they know it's actually not fine, and just want to be lied to or reassured by other people who screwed up, too.  But if you ever DARE to tell them the truth, even nicely, all heck breaks loose.  Suddenly they are the victim, and you are the heartless be-yotch who judges everyone needlessly.  It's pretty much impossible to tell someone you disagree with them without people immediately complaining about the levels of drama.

9) Trolls.  Do I even have to go into this one? You get sucked into the tragic personal life of someone, your "heart breaks for them" and you "spend hours thinking about them all the time" because you're such a super awesome person to invest in complete strangers that you really know nothing about, and SURPRISE! They were lying.  Now you're heart broken, ruined, and can never trust a complete stranger with a keyboard ever again.  The shock. The horror. The repetition.


10) Other attention seekers (that aren't trolls).
Example A: We've decided to name our baby the most popular name from 2010, and we simply CAN'T think of a good middle name!  You guys should suggest popular and generic names for us to consider, because for some reason browsing the internet, the SSA top 1000 names, or investing in a $10 book of 100,000 baby names would just be too much work.

Example B: Does anyone know anything at all about this somewhat mundane topic I'm asking about? I don't want to Google because I'd rather interact with these people on a forum, so please tell me about this stupidly obviously topic.

Example C: OMGosh, guys.  I had sex, and now my period is late, and my boobs are sore.  Am I pregnant? I know I could just go to the dollar store and get a stick and pee on it, and that would answer my question, but I'd rather ask a bunch of other women to tell my fortune over the internet and decide whether or not I'm pregnant! Respond to my post so that I know you care, even though I'm being ridiculous.

Example D: I am such a bad mom because my kid managed to do something that every child does at some point (roll off a bad, trip and hit their head on a coffee table, eat yellow snow, etc etc).  Please respond to my thread and tell me that I'm not a bad mom for letting something perfectly normal happen to my child, even though I know that other people on this forum have also let this happen.  They aren't bad moms though, just me, because I'm bad.  Please tell me I'm not!


And there you have it, friends.  Why I hate mommy forums.  Maybe I'm just too cynical, past my mommy forum prime. Maybe I've been doing it wrong (hey, I'm not afraid to admit that might be the case).  Maybe I just never managed to get so invested in strangers that I was appropriately devastated by their sudden but inevitable betrayal, or maybe I'm just too fond of looking stuff up on the internet before asking obvious questions that I could find the answer to in 30 seconds.

My confessions:
I am ashamed to admit that I did some of the things above - I have succumbed to number 4, and I have pleaded for my fair share of attention.  And I'm not gonna lie: I learned a lot from mommy forums, and I met some super nice people that are still my friends on Facebook.  I said they have their uses in the Pros column, after all. ;)

Gender Neutral Kids

Most of us probably remember the story of Storm, the kid with no gender.  If you don't, here it is.  I know it's old news, but this idea has come up a lot in my personal life, so I figured it was finally time to talk about it.

These Canadian parents are raising their child to be "gender neutral."  This is of course semi-ridiculous, as a child MUST have anatomical parts pointing to them being either male, female, or both, but never neither.  But the point of their "experiment" has nothing to do with biology and everything to do with society and it's effect on impressionable young children.

I have to admit, in most ways I agree with these parents.  The whole thing is not about dressing your son in dresses and seeing what happens.  It's not about teaching your kids that dressing "the wrong gender" is better, or that it's worse.  It's about letting your children choose, for themselves, what they want.  Yes, children need to know who they are.  They need a strong sense of identity, and a strong sense of self.  Doesn't it make more sense to let them form these senses on their own, rather than showing them how society thinks they should see themselves, and that's it?  Isn't it counter intuitive to make sure that their "sense of self" is what society wants, regardless of what they want?

These parents aren't keeping their child's gender from their child, or even from the child's siblings.  They are keeping the gender secret from people who don't NEED to know, because honestly, why does it matter?  And the answer is almost always "so I know what to buy."

Well, that's the point these parents are trying to make.  Why does the child's gender have to effect what you buy?  While they are infants they have no idea what boys and girls are, and don't give a flip what you dress them in as long as it's comfortable.  Babies are pretty androgynous to begin with, and no matter what you dress them in someone, somewhere, will always guess wrong.  So these parents buy what THEY like until their child is old enough to choose for him/herself.  This is the same thing parents of babies with a declared gender do as well.  No difference there.

Once the child is old enough to choose their own clothes, again their gender makes no difference.  As a friend, aunt, grandparent, you should buy what the child obviously enjoys wearing.  You've seen pictures of the child in clothing, and it shouldn't be too hard to figure out if the kid prefers jeans or frilly dresses.  Buy what the kid likes, not what you THINK the kid should like.

And toys.. ugh.  The idea of gender specific toys irks me so much I won't even rant about it, because it would take forever.  Seriously, buy it if it looks fun.  Who freakin cares if it's pink or blue?!

So why is this topic near and dear to me right now? Because my oldest kid, a boy, loves pink.  I asked him what color car seat he wanted, and he said pink.  Unfortunately, the pink was a lot more expensive than all the other colors, or I would have bought it for him.  We went to the store to pick out some new shirts, and he was drawn to the pink Dora shirts.  They didn't have any in his size, but I would have bought him a pink Dora shirt otherwise (we went with Red Cars, because red is close to pink).

Why would I do this? Because ultimately, my child's happiness is more important to me that society-pressured gender roles.  Who decided that pink was only for girls, anyways? Why does it even matter? The answer is simple.  It doesn't.  It NEVER matters.  And we should stop teaching our children that it does.

And maybe this seems petty to you, to be making a huge deal out of clothes.  But it's not just clothes.  Gender roles are constant in our lives and those of our children.  It starts with refusing to dress our boys in pink, then we're refusing to let them take ballet or musical theatre, then we're teaching them that those careers are only for women, and they should strive for more.  More? So women are only worthy of LESS? Yeah, it goes there.  And that's the problem.

I am against the idea of teaching my children they can't do things - any things besides child birth and peeing standing up - because of their anatomical parts.  It's a totally arbitrary system, and I refuse to support it any longer.  There was a time when I only bought boy clothes for my son, and girl clothes for my daughter.  And that time is over.  No longer will I teach my children that their gender is what defines what they can and cannot wear, do, and become.  Who's with me?!

*fist pump*

Sunshine, Rainbows, Perspective, and New Buttons!

I'm taking some time out of my normal rambling awesomeness to give myself a bit of a plug.  I have a fan page on Facebook now, so you should click that nifty "like" button on the right.  And while you're at it, do me a favor and rate my blog for The Mom Blogs (but only if you like it - skip rating it if you hate it, obviously).

That said, let's move on.

I love my children, and they are my world.  When I suffered from depression for three years, they were the ONLY reason I dragged myself out of bed in the morning, and interacted with the world.  They kept me going when no one and nothing else was able to.  Obviously I love them.  Obviously I want what's best for them.  But even given all that.. my life is not sunshine and rainbows, and that's okay sometimes.  It's okay that sometimes my facebook status is "I want to crawl back into bed until tomorrow."  And when I post this, I don't need to be reminded of how 90% of the world is so much worse off than I am.

It really upsets me when people, especially women, suggest to other women that their feelings aren't valid because someone else is worse off somewhere.  Here are some example scenarios:

"Ugh, my kids are so frustrating today.  Is it nap time yet?"
"You know, there are alot of women in the world who would give anything to have frustrating children, if only they could have children at all."

"My baby was up all night crying for *insert reason here*.  I'm so exhausted I can barely think."
"You should be glad your baby CAN cry.  Lots of babies in the NICU have tubes in their throats and noses, and they can't cry."

"My son is being so annoying today, I just don't know what to do with him!"
"At least you have a son.  I lost my baby at 13 weeks."

Uhhh.. thanks? You're right, I guess, but was making her feel like crap for being frustrated really necessary?  I'll tell you: no, it wasn't.  If you know a parent that does nothing but complain about their children all day every day, then by all means - throw some perspective in their face.  But when a normally cheerful and happy mother complains once that she's frustrated with life or whatever, just let her have her freakin moment.

The concept that mothers must be perfect, that we must always be enjoying our children every moment, that we can never think about anything negative because it's just not proper.. this bugs me.  Life isn't perfect, and I hate the way we make each other feel inferior by suggesting it should be.  I hate the way we shove mothers into hiding their feelings, because of how "improper" it is to think negatively about your children.

I was once told that I must not love my children enough because I would pay someone to change all the blow out poopy diapers.  Instead of thinking about how gross the poop is as it seeps over the edge of the diaper and onto your fingers, you should just be thankful that you have a baby that can make such diapers, as opposed to having suffered a loss.  Uhhh.... no.  I mean, yeah - I'm thankful I have a baby that can poop, but the fact that I would pay someone to live in my basement and emerge only to change all these diapers in no way means that I don't love my children, or have compassion for people who don't have pooping babies in their lives.

We really need to stop attaching this "Sunshine and Rainbows" stigma to parenting.  All we're doing is hurting ourselves and each other in the process. Sure, there are some mothers who could use some perspective; that's obvious.  But I think the majority of us fully understand that our lives could be worse, but that doesn't mean we have to enjoy every second of them, just the same.

I Don't Like It Either!

I don't like screaming.  I don't like doing it myself, unless I'm on a roller coaster, and I certainly don't like it when my kids scream.  In fact, I probably like it a lot less than most parents.  To me, even my own children screaming is like nails on a chalkboard, and I will jump through hoops of fire just to silence the ear splitting shrieks emanating from their sweet, cherubic little faces.  So you can imagine that if my children are screaming someplace public, not only am I completely mortified and wishing I could disappear, I'm also thinking that if I shove this Q-tip far enough into my ear, I will never have to hear this sound again.  As if this isn't punishment enough, I'm also getting glares and rude looks from complete strangers who think I need to be schooled in parenting 101 - and some of them even try to school me themselves.


Of course, I am not everyone.  There are some people who are so numb to the horrific sounds of their own children (probably from hearing it all day every day for the last couple of years) that they fail to realize other people are NOT used to hearing their toddler freak out because he dropped a potato chip and still wants to eat it.  I firmly believe that these parents are merely sleep-deprived to the point of deafness or insanity, or so desperate for some peace and adult interaction that they are pretending their child is a product of June Cleaver rather than the subject of an Edvard Munch painting.      


There are certain things you can't go back and change even if you regret them.  If you are overwhelmed by the number of children you birthed, or regretting that you didn't space them all 18 years apart, it's a bit late to fix that, and you just have to make do.  And since you DO have to feed your children (at least according to DCF and law enforcement), this means that sometimes you will have to "make do" in public places, like the grocery store.  Here I've compiled a list of problems and suggestions for people who are adamant about never wanting to hear screaming children, ever.


Problem: Kids cry in the grocery store
Solution: Order your groceries on line, pay the store to deliver them, or hire the local neighbor kid to do it for you, and let HIM listen to the screaming.


Problem: Kids cry in restaurants
Solution: Take Out


Problem: kids cry in movie theaters
Solution: Wait for the DVD


I know, I know.  Other people have bratty children, and that doesn't mean you should skip out on things you would otherwise enjoy, or go out of your way to accommodate these children.  Well, I can assure you, the child doesn't care one bit if you're at the restaurant or movie theatre, so you don't have to worry about trying to accommodate them.

And there are lots of things in this world that you shouldn't HAVE to do.  You shouldn't have to die eventually, you shouldn't have to lock your doors at night, you shouldn't have to teach your children not to talk to strangers, and you shouldn't have to research every food on the market before you decide if it's edible.  But we adapt to these things easily enough, so why are screaming children any different?


Obviously, I have children.  Like I said before, I don't like hearing them scream.  If my children are crying at a restaurant, or crying in a movie theatre, or crying period, you can bet your rear end I'm not enjoying the experience any more than you are.  And I agree there are some places children shouldn't generally go.   

• If you're staring at a $50 plate with four egg noddles, two tablespoons of sauce, and three peas, you shouldn't have to listen to a crying child.
• If you sitting in a hotel room that you're paying $6000 a night for, you shouldn't have to hear a crying child.
• If you're in a store that expressly says "no children" for one reason or another, you shouldn't have to hear a crying child.
• If you're flying first class or business class, you shouldn't have to hear a crying child.
• That's about it

Airplanes, grocery stores, and even regular, middle class restaurants mean you're going to encounter regular, middle-class people, and they will sometimes have children.  Suck it up.  You don't want to listen to a screaming baby, and I don't want to listen to racial slurs, profanity, and vulgarity, especially when my children are around.  I'm gonna call it a fair trade, okay?

I'm not arguing that parents should force other people to listen to their child scream.  I think parents should be doing what they can to make sure their children are well-behaved in a given situation, but still, as a parent, there's only so much you can do.  I'm not going to make excuses for my children when they misbehave, but I know they WILL misbehave, and I will deal with it in the way that works best for them, not for strangers.

I've seen it over and over, from parents and non parents alike: "and they were just standing there not doing ANYTHING to quiet their child that was screaming for a cookie."  What exactly would you like them to do? You can't REALLY force a child to stop crying.  You can try to soothe them, you can threaten punishment, you can actually punish them, you can try to bribe them, but short of smothering them with a pillow you CANNOT actually make them stop.  Oddly enough, this is true even in the grocery store.

So, in short:


Parents of screaming children: Do what you can to make sure your children aren't disrupting the people around them
Parents of other children: Try to have some sympathy, because chances are you have been or will be there at some point
Non-Parents: Stop being a cry baby yourself, and realize that most parents are doing what they can, and aren't trying to make your life miserable.


Everyone: Remember that the only Cry Baby that anyone likes is this one: