10 Things My Kids Don't Know About Me

There are more than 10.  There will always be more than 10, at least until I've moved on from this life.  But I think these are the ten that will actually affect them someday (some sooner than later).

1. I have a tattoo.  By the time they figure out what a tattoo is, I may have more than one.

2. I hate Dora.

3. I've "done that" with my husband more than the three times required to produce the children.

4. Going to the bathroom is actually very routine and mundane, even for me.

5. There are moms out there who make mac and cheese even better than I do.
5b. There are moms out there who never make mac and cheese.  Ever.

6. I've done things in the past that I may have to lie about when they are teenagers.

7. I wanted to name all of them something other than what they are named, and, for the most part, wanted their genders to all be opposite (of course I love them for the anatomical parts they have, but I'm just sayin).

8. I'm actually terrible at drawing Mickey Mouse and Phineas Flynn, and even more terrible at cake decorating.

9. I never changed my last name.

10. I think their boogers, however interestingly shaped they may be, are gross.

The Not So Good Wife's Guide

It seems like every woman in the country has heard about this "article from Housekeeping Monthly" published in 1955, and is sufficiently outraged by its content.  And apparently A LOT of people would jump off a bridge if a chain letter circulating via email told them to.  A quick Google search was enough to tell me that the whole thing is fake.  There was no print up in Housekeeping Monthly, and there probably wasn't even a Housekeeping Monthly.  There was no write up in an economics text book, either.  It's mere an over exaggerated view of how the life of a woman was in the 1950s, so we can feel SUPER good about how far we've come in the way we (society) view and treat our woman.

On the other hand, I'm not entirely sure that the mock "Good Wife's Guide" is 100% off the mark, as many suggest.  It's a list of 10 things "a good wife" does for her husband.  While I don't think that these things need to be done in order to be a good wife, I don't think all of them are completely out in left field, either. Let's discuss.

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal  (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed. 

Personally, I don't see anything all that wrong with this, and honestly it's the most convenient way to do things many nights if you have children.  Dinner doesn't have to be some huge, orchestrated production, but having it ready when he comes home doesn't seem that unreasonable.

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it. 

In theory, this one isn't horrible.  My husband tries very hard to not bring his work stress home with him, and it's a bit unfair for me to fling the children at him the second he walks in the door, and lock myself in the bedroom to scream into my pillow.  Of course I've done this, but to do it regularly seems crappy.  If he tries to not bring stress home, then I should probably try to not throw MY work stress in his face, either.  So taking fifteen minutes to decompress before he gets home, when it's possible to do so, seems like a fair trade.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables. 

I think this one is pretty fair.  Everyone I know is less stressed when the house is clean and decluttered.  Decreasing my husband's stress load doesn't seem unreasonable to me. 

Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction. 

Maybe I'm crazy, but the last part seems true.  I'm happier when my husband is happy, and I enjoy doing things for him, and doing things that make him happy.  Perhaps I'm just crazy.  Lighting a fire is mostly unnecessary these days, though.

Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet. 

Alright, we've finally reached a dumb one. I'm not gonna silence my children and stop my household chores when he comes home.  I do try to make sure the kids aren't screaming and throwing tantrums all at the same time, for the same reason i try to declutter before he gets home.

Be happy to see him. 

Oh yes.  This one is terrible, for sure.

Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him. 

Don't get the issue with this one either, sorry.

Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

This seems overly exagerated, but I'll run with it.  Obviously this is false.  I do think it's a nice gesture to ask him "How was work?" when he walks in the door, and let him answer.  But his day is not inherently more important than mine.  In fact, he cares more about my day, because I always have stories about the kids, than I do about his, because I don't understand a single thing he does at work.

Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax. 

There are some days when I want my husband home RIGHT now.  These are the days talked about above, where I throw the children across the room and run away as fast as I can before they come back to me like boomerangs.  Other than these days, I don't mind if my husband wanted to go to dinner with co-workers, or works late.  It doesn't seem unreasonable to let your husband have fun once in a while?

Your goal: To try and make sure your home is a place of peace, order, and tranquillity where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

That's my goal anyways.  While I do thrive with a little bit of chaos (obviously, or I wouldn't have popped out three kids in rapid fire succession and be begging my husband for another), but having a stress free home isn't a horrific goal.

Don't greet him with complaints and problems. 

Lol.  WTFever.

Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. 

This seems overkill.

Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him. 

This one I'm sort of torn on to be honest.  Of course I have the RIGHT to question his decisions, but that doesn't mean I should.  He is the head of the household after all.  And I think it's obvious that not every husband will act with fairness and truthfulness every time.  But if you are married to someone who DOESN'T, then there are some issues that need to be resolved there.  Since my husband IS fair and honest, this doesn't create a problem for me.  And if he really wants me to take off his shoes and fluff his pillow, then why the heck not?

A good wife always knows her place.

This is pretty ambiguous, since it doesn't bother to define what that place is.  I know were my place is with my husband, my children, my responsibilities, and my dogs.  That's not a bad thing.

So okay.. maybe I'm a throwback to the supposed 1950s.  But I don't think that doing small things for your husband means you're a "kept woman" or that you're treated like a slave.  The problem isn't what the wife DOES, but how the husband accepts it, and reciprocates.

Not a problem: Asking me to fluff his pillow for him

Problem: Getting mad when it's not fluffed

Not a problem: Going out to dinner with his friends

Problem: Telling me I can't

Not a problem: Having dinner ready when he gets gome

Not a problem: Constructive criticism on how not to burn the mac and cheese next time

Problem: Refusing to ear it because it's not the dish he wanted, or otherwise complaining unreasonably

Not a problem: Having the house straightened when he gets home

Problem: Expecting it to be straightened at all times and/or complaining when it's not

Not a problem: Doing things for my husband that seem mundane, over the top, like something he can do for himself, ridiculous, or demanding.

Problem: Never hearing a thank you or other forms of appreciation

Problem: Never doing anything for me

So, for me at least, the issue taken is not with "How to be a good Wife" - because honestly I don't think doing most of the things on the list will really hurt anything.  But I do expect my husband to verbally and physically appreciate the fact that he comes home to a cooked meal and a decluttered house.  He better be thankful that I fluffed his pillow, got him a drink, or let him hang with his friends instead of immediately coming home.  And he better extend the same courtesies to me.  I long as I feel respected, appreciated, and not taking advantage of, then I don't really mind being "A Good Wife" as per this erroneous article.

Spouse Points!

So my husband and I have devised a system in order to 'get our way' more often. 

Tell me more!

It started out as a joke, because I would let Andy sleep in and then ask "so how many Good Wife Points did I earn for that? Do I get a dew?"  But the more I joked about earning Wife Points, the more I thought it was brilliant and should be implemented in every marriage.  Obviously Wife Points morphed into Spouse Points, because the husband should be able to earn and spend them as well.

It's kind of a delicate system though.  It loses a lot of it's value if either party starts doing things only to earn spouse points.  You have to WANT to let your husband sleep in, or it's a pointless point-earner.  It's not about who's being the better partner, it's about making it a point to do something nice for your partner that THEY appreciate.

I read a book called The Five Love Languages.  It's pretty popular, and just about everyone I know has read it, so I'm not even gonna go into details.  If you live under a rock and somehow haven't heard about and read this book, here are some links:

The Website
Take The Test
Buy The Book

Spouse Points kind of goes along with the idea of two partners having mismatched Love Languages.  Sometimes we need to go out of our way to speak our partner's Love Language, and Spouse Points is a fun and amusing way to do it.  At least for us, anyways.


How it Works
Each Partner makes their own lists.  Things they don't particularly ENJOY doing, but things they don't MIND doing on occasion make up the ways to earn points, and things they want their partner to do are the rewards.  I think it goes without saying that neither spouse is allowed to pick a reward that negatively effects or makes the other spouse unhappy.  If you need to be told to be considerate to your spouse, you need way more than Spouse Points can ever do for you.  I recommend therapy as a first step.

Here's As Example
Ways for Andy to Earn Points
** Let me sleep in in the mornings, or let me take a nap in the afternoon
** Skip a raid in World of Warcraft
** Watch some lame show on TV that I like but makes Andy want to poke out his eyeballs

Rewards Andy Will Earn
** I'll run a WoW raid with him
** I will get up with the kids at night
** I won't buy soda for a week

The points earned and the cost of rewards are totally up to you and your partner.  If you want each task to be one point, and a reward to be worth 5, that's fine.  Or each task can be worth 10-30, and a reward worth 100-500.  That really doesn't matter, and it's just whatever you want to do.

Why Points Don't Really Matter
Remember the show Who's Line is it Anyway?

"Welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway, the show where everything is made up and the points don't matter!"  Yeah, it's exactly like that.

The purpose of the whole system is to ensure that you are doing things your spouse appreciates - things that have personal meaning; things that matter to them, and to you.  It's about making gestures towards making your spouse happy, in ways that may be unnatural to you.  My husband doesn't naturally want to sit on the couch and watch The Secret Life of the American Teenager (let's face it, it's an awful show, but I love it), but I love watching TV with him, so it's important to me.  Am I making sense?

But the system also requires you and your partner to REMEMBER these gestures, even when you're mad.  Cute elephant picture, huh? I don't recommend ever calling your partner an elephant, though.

It's super easy to remember the time that your husband didn't dry the floor after he mopped it, and you slipped and cracked your knee cap (trust me, I know).  But when you're angry about your busted knee, it's easy to forget that he mopped the floor because YOUR dog, the one he didn't want but let YOU rescue, had peed on the floor.

When you're mad that your husband hasn't done the dishes in a week, it's easy to exaggerate your claim and scream "you never do anything to help me around here!" because you're super pissed off about the dishes.  You've forgotten that he did the dishes three times last week, and that he took care of the kids and straightened up the living room while you took a nap.

This is why the point amounts don't really matter.  It's just a way to remember what your partner did for you last week, when all you see is red over something they DIDN'T do this week.

Don't Misuse It

This seems so obvious, and I shouldn't need to tell you this!  Like I said earlier, it's not about being the better spouse, and it's not about condescendingly reminding your spouse of how you earned points.  It's about showing love, and remembering ways that love has been shown towards you.  It's not about developing love and respect - you already need to love and respect your partner for Spouse Points to be even remotely useful.  If you're lacking either of these two qualities in your marriage, then you need to look way deeper than this mostly-joke of a system.  Fo' real.


How It Works For Us
Slightly more personal example goes here.  I'm sure lots of people think this system is totally lame and unnecessary, because doing things for your spouse is pretty much a given.  But as it turns out, we're back to those darn Love Languages.  Because sure - doing something for your spouse is a given.  The problem comes when the things you THINK they love aren't, in fact, the things they love.

After a day of scrubbing your floors, doing all the laundry, cleaning every inch of your house, you not only feel accomplished but you feel like you did something amazing for your husband.  You would LOVE to come home to a spotless house that smells like an Early Morning Breeze candle, especially if you weren't the one to clean it.  Your husband gets home, and doesn't make a single comment about how amazingly wonderful the house looks and smells.  Your feelings are hurt, you feel under appreciated, and maybe taken advantage of.  He didn't notice all this work you did for him? WTF, right?  Well, it's not that he didn't appreciate a clean house, it's that he wanted a hug and a kiss when he walked in the door, rather than a tour.  The book I mentioned earlier explains this a lot better and in a lot more detail, but hopefully you understand the way I say it.  If not, click one or all of the links above and find out for yourself.

By each spouse making a list of the things they WANT you to do, in the form of what is essentially a game, they get to tell each other how to demonstrate love without coming off as demanding, superior, unappreciative, or picky.  When my husband told me that playing a video game with him was as important to him as mopping the floor six times in a row is to me, it was a real eye opener.  Even if we stopped there, and never counted points at all, the lists themselves are pretty valuable.

Assigning point values to the rewards is how we demonstrate which activities have a higher importance.  A reward worth 100 points is like a small favor (since most point earners are 10-20 points), but something worth 500, or even 1000 points would be a much larger sacrifice on the part of the rewarder.  We discuss each reward's point value, and come to a consensus based on both importance and level of sacrifice.  Again, if we just stopped the game here and didn't keep going, we're already way past where we were when we started.  We now know how important each display of affection is to our partner, and we now understand how our partner feels about the things that are important to us.

Honestly, we could stop here, and just call it a conversation or an "exercise," but my husband and I just don't work like that.  We're analytical people.  We need numbers, we need charts, we need organization.  This is just another way to have an open, honest conversation with your partner.  Communicating needs is obviously important to a marriage, but a lot of people have trouble with it.  Now it's a game, and that makes it easier.  At least for me, and for us.

And that's pretty much Spouse Points.  It's not a set game - there are actually going to be a lot of "House Rules" that go into it.  It's adaptable, and for a lot of people I'm sure it's completely unnecessary, and you're thinking it's ridiculous that we need this "system" in order to know what our partner wants.  But whatever. =)  So, utilize the system, or think I'm ridiculous, that's totally up to you!