I raise my voice too often.
I hate cleaning, and therefore
My house is not spotlessly clean.
I loathe soccer games.
I raise my voice too much.
I don't have enough patience.
I long for date nights, and
Laundromat nights.
I reach the end of my rope too often.
I hate it when my kids try to help with chores.
My kids always need a bath,
Even if I just bathed them.
I feed them processed food sometimes,
And don't always cook elaborate meals.
I let them watch TV
and climb trees.
I recognize their needs and
Meet them when I can.
I recognize their wants
And try to fulfill them.
I love them unconditionally
Always, forever, and beyond.
I play with them.
I teach them things.
They are the reason I breathe
The reason I get out of bed.
I will never hurt them.
I will always try to keep them safe.
I will always do the best I can,
And I will take care of myself so
I can always be here for them.
I teach them skills and manners.
I respect them, cherish them,
Adore them, live for them.
I am their mom and that means
I am a perfect mother.
This is pretty poorly written poem (it doesn't even rhyme, Kes!), but that's not the point. I've said it myself, and I hear it all the time - "the perfect mother." But I think we have a skewed idea of perfection in the mothering department. You don't have to do everything right all the time, and you don't have to do everything the best. Love your children, and do right by them. That's perfection.
Showing posts with label perspective. Show all posts
Showing posts with label perspective. Show all posts
Friday, October 21, 2011
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Calm Down. Deep breaths!
I'm not trying to pick on my friend here, but I'm gonna use her an example. Sorry, friend!
While driving down the road, she sees a truck with a rear facing carseat in the front seat, with a kid actively in it. Carseats don't really belong in the front seat, and especially not if there's an airbag. Everyone can easily know this, because the picture on the visor looks like this:
Even if you can't read, or don't want to, it's pretty clear just from the picture, what you shouldn't be doing here, right? Okay, we're clear on this. But an airbag can be disabled, or sometimes simply turned off.
So my friend sees this truck with a baby in the front, and becomes outraged. So outraged that she wants to call the police. And this confuses me. First of all, she doesn't know that there is an airbag. She thinks she MIGHT know, because she knows someone with a truck that's the same make/model, so she assumes there's an airbag and it's not turned off.
It's weird for me to think of myself as an optimist, but I guess I am. We all make assumptions, every day, based on what we see. While my friend assumes this car has an airbag, I choose to assume it doesn't. I choose to assume that someone who will put his kid in the car rear facing, even when the seat CAN forward face, probably realized (because of the above warning) that you shouldn't do it with the airbag active, and has taken further steps to ensure the safety of his child (beyond just rear facing her). I almost always choose to assume the best case scenario, and it confuses me why other people don't.
Do you WANT to be upset with this person? What will that accomplish? Maybe if you knew him, or know where he lived, or even knew his name, then being upset and assuming the worst would matter. But you will probably never know if the truck had an active airbag, and if that kid was safe or not, so why waste energy thinking she wasn't, when you can just as easily think she was? All yous are general - I don't think this friend even reads Momland (but if you are reading, I'm not picking on you, I swear! You're just my most recent example!)
And the same thing goes for so much.
I choose to assume that a kid turned forward facing on his birthday was turned that way for the same reason I turned Luke around - the parents were concerned their child would aspirate the vomit that accompanied every rear facing car ride, and die.
I choose to believe that the majority of people don't know, rather than don't care.
I choose to assume that someone selling a car seat that expires in three months legitimately believes that someone will buy it only intending to use it for three months. There are plenty of reasons to buy a car seat for only three months - vacation, spontaneous visit from family, a family emergency - and I also choose to assume that anyone who buys a seat that expires in three months will only use it for three, maybe four months (because let's face it, they don't spontaneously combust on their expiration date, but I wouldn't push it too far).
I've seen this quoted at 80%, 90%, and 95%, so I'm gonna go with 80% (again, assuming the best). 80% of car seats are used incorrectly, in one way or another. Some misuses are more dangerous than others, but still 80%. That means that whenever I see an occupied car seat on the road or in pictures, there's an 80% chance I'm gonna have a reason to be steaming mad. And that's not counting the "misuse" that occurs when kids aren't even IN car seats. It seems like a huge waste of energy on my part to get mad every single time.
Maybe I'll carry around little notecard print outs to stick on windshields in parking lots, or put a bumper sticker on my car, but I can't possibly get upset at every single case. I have three kids, I haven't slept "enough" in over four years, and I have several other health issues that sap all my energy from me before I even get out of bed in the morning.
Maybe I'm too apathetic, maybe I'm not dedicated enough to my cause, or maybe I'm just too freakin tired to care, but I can't fathom getting violently ill every time I see a car seat misused, or a child in Publix who's parent isn't staring directly at them at all times. Either way, I choose to get upset at the worst cases:
When there is obvious, without a doubt misuse that could legitimately risk a child's life in even the basic of colisions, I will get Mommy Bear Killing Spree Raging Mad. Otherwise, I will silently throw up a prayer for the child in question, and then try to put it from my mind. I guess I just realize that you can't save them all, you can't help people who don't want to be helped, and when there's nothing you can do about it, it's best to not think about it.
I have been known to go out of my to create a scenario in which something would make sense, just so that I don't have to get upset about it. Daddy has baby rear facing in the front seat of a two-seater truck. Well, that's obvious - it's the only car he has because the car with an available (safer) back seat is in the shop, or was just stolen, or wrecked. He has no choice where to put his kid, and is doing the best he can. I have other examples, but this is just long enough already.
I have a hard time understanding why people don't always agree with me on everything, ;) but especially on this. To me, energy is precious - it is not something to be squandered fretting about things outside my control. I wish I had the energy to fight with Craigslist over expired seats, but I will e-mail first, THEN flag. I will always give people a chance to correct their own mistakes before doing it for them. But that's a whole other blog post for a whole other day.
I've used car seats as an example this whole time, because it's the cause I choose to champion (seriously, you have to have noticed that by now, yes?), but really it applies to everything. I pick my battles with my husband, I pick my battles with my children, and I pick my battles with the world. There are stupid parents everywhere, and even the best parents sometimes make errors in judgement. Sometimes choices are limited because of finances or other factors.
If someone's baby falls in a pool, I choose to think it was a freak accident until proven wrong. I will not automatically assume this mother never supervised her child ever, and was a terrible, neglectful mother.
Someone's dog gets run over by a car, and rather than I assume this dog was always allowed to run loose, I choose to believe it was a one-time "oops, the kids left the door open" incident, until someone proves me wrong.
I don't get upset over parents who use leashes for their kids, or over parents who feed their kids solids at four months (I used to, but not so much anymore). I don't get upset over parents who use walkers (I choose to assume they've taken precautions), and I don't get upset over someone getting an epidural, or even a repeat C-section as opposed to a VBAC.
There is so much REAL abuse and REAL neglect in the world, that these don't even register on my radar. I hardly notice them, and make it a point to not get annoyed or upset by them. I feel this keeps me sane.
If you're the type to get upset about these things whenever you see them, you should try it my way and see if you like it. ;)
While driving down the road, she sees a truck with a rear facing carseat in the front seat, with a kid actively in it. Carseats don't really belong in the front seat, and especially not if there's an airbag. Everyone can easily know this, because the picture on the visor looks like this:
Even if you can't read, or don't want to, it's pretty clear just from the picture, what you shouldn't be doing here, right? Okay, we're clear on this. But an airbag can be disabled, or sometimes simply turned off.
So my friend sees this truck with a baby in the front, and becomes outraged. So outraged that she wants to call the police. And this confuses me. First of all, she doesn't know that there is an airbag. She thinks she MIGHT know, because she knows someone with a truck that's the same make/model, so she assumes there's an airbag and it's not turned off.
It's weird for me to think of myself as an optimist, but I guess I am. We all make assumptions, every day, based on what we see. While my friend assumes this car has an airbag, I choose to assume it doesn't. I choose to assume that someone who will put his kid in the car rear facing, even when the seat CAN forward face, probably realized (because of the above warning) that you shouldn't do it with the airbag active, and has taken further steps to ensure the safety of his child (beyond just rear facing her). I almost always choose to assume the best case scenario, and it confuses me why other people don't.
Do you WANT to be upset with this person? What will that accomplish? Maybe if you knew him, or know where he lived, or even knew his name, then being upset and assuming the worst would matter. But you will probably never know if the truck had an active airbag, and if that kid was safe or not, so why waste energy thinking she wasn't, when you can just as easily think she was? All yous are general - I don't think this friend even reads Momland (but if you are reading, I'm not picking on you, I swear! You're just my most recent example!)
And the same thing goes for so much.
I choose to assume that a kid turned forward facing on his birthday was turned that way for the same reason I turned Luke around - the parents were concerned their child would aspirate the vomit that accompanied every rear facing car ride, and die.
I choose to believe that the majority of people don't know, rather than don't care.
I choose to assume that someone selling a car seat that expires in three months legitimately believes that someone will buy it only intending to use it for three months. There are plenty of reasons to buy a car seat for only three months - vacation, spontaneous visit from family, a family emergency - and I also choose to assume that anyone who buys a seat that expires in three months will only use it for three, maybe four months (because let's face it, they don't spontaneously combust on their expiration date, but I wouldn't push it too far).
I've seen this quoted at 80%, 90%, and 95%, so I'm gonna go with 80% (again, assuming the best). 80% of car seats are used incorrectly, in one way or another. Some misuses are more dangerous than others, but still 80%. That means that whenever I see an occupied car seat on the road or in pictures, there's an 80% chance I'm gonna have a reason to be steaming mad. And that's not counting the "misuse" that occurs when kids aren't even IN car seats. It seems like a huge waste of energy on my part to get mad every single time.
Maybe I'll carry around little notecard print outs to stick on windshields in parking lots, or put a bumper sticker on my car, but I can't possibly get upset at every single case. I have three kids, I haven't slept "enough" in over four years, and I have several other health issues that sap all my energy from me before I even get out of bed in the morning.
Maybe I'm too apathetic, maybe I'm not dedicated enough to my cause, or maybe I'm just too freakin tired to care, but I can't fathom getting violently ill every time I see a car seat misused, or a child in Publix who's parent isn't staring directly at them at all times. Either way, I choose to get upset at the worst cases:
Assuming they drive like this (I choose to assume they don't), THIS would make me ill.
When there is obvious, without a doubt misuse that could legitimately risk a child's life in even the basic of colisions, I will get Mommy Bear Killing Spree Raging Mad. Otherwise, I will silently throw up a prayer for the child in question, and then try to put it from my mind. I guess I just realize that you can't save them all, you can't help people who don't want to be helped, and when there's nothing you can do about it, it's best to not think about it.
I have been known to go out of my to create a scenario in which something would make sense, just so that I don't have to get upset about it. Daddy has baby rear facing in the front seat of a two-seater truck. Well, that's obvious - it's the only car he has because the car with an available (safer) back seat is in the shop, or was just stolen, or wrecked. He has no choice where to put his kid, and is doing the best he can. I have other examples, but this is just long enough already.
I have a hard time understanding why people don't always agree with me on everything, ;) but especially on this. To me, energy is precious - it is not something to be squandered fretting about things outside my control. I wish I had the energy to fight with Craigslist over expired seats, but I will e-mail first, THEN flag. I will always give people a chance to correct their own mistakes before doing it for them. But that's a whole other blog post for a whole other day.
I've used car seats as an example this whole time, because it's the cause I choose to champion (seriously, you have to have noticed that by now, yes?), but really it applies to everything. I pick my battles with my husband, I pick my battles with my children, and I pick my battles with the world. There are stupid parents everywhere, and even the best parents sometimes make errors in judgement. Sometimes choices are limited because of finances or other factors.
If someone's baby falls in a pool, I choose to think it was a freak accident until proven wrong. I will not automatically assume this mother never supervised her child ever, and was a terrible, neglectful mother.
Someone's dog gets run over by a car, and rather than I assume this dog was always allowed to run loose, I choose to believe it was a one-time "oops, the kids left the door open" incident, until someone proves me wrong.
I don't get upset over parents who use leashes for their kids, or over parents who feed their kids solids at four months (I used to, but not so much anymore). I don't get upset over parents who use walkers (I choose to assume they've taken precautions), and I don't get upset over someone getting an epidural, or even a repeat C-section as opposed to a VBAC.
There is so much REAL abuse and REAL neglect in the world, that these don't even register on my radar. I hardly notice them, and make it a point to not get annoyed or upset by them. I feel this keeps me sane.
If you're the type to get upset about these things whenever you see them, you should try it my way and see if you like it. ;)
Monday, September 5, 2011
Sunshine, Rainbows, Perspective, and New Buttons!
I'm taking some time out of my normal rambling awesomeness to give myself a bit of a plug. I have a fan page on Facebook now, so you should click that nifty "like" button on the right. And while you're at it, do me a favor and rate my blog for The Mom Blogs (but only if you like it - skip rating it if you hate it, obviously).
That said, let's move on.
I love my children, and they are my world. When I suffered from depression for three years, they were the ONLY reason I dragged myself out of bed in the morning, and interacted with the world. They kept me going when no one and nothing else was able to. Obviously I love them. Obviously I want what's best for them. But even given all that.. my life is not sunshine and rainbows, and that's okay sometimes. It's okay that sometimes my facebook status is "I want to crawl back into bed until tomorrow." And when I post this, I don't need to be reminded of how 90% of the world is so much worse off than I am.
It really upsets me when people, especially women, suggest to other women that their feelings aren't valid because someone else is worse off somewhere. Here are some example scenarios:
"Ugh, my kids are so frustrating today. Is it nap time yet?"
"You know, there are alot of women in the world who would give anything to have frustrating children, if only they could have children at all."
"My baby was up all night crying for *insert reason here*. I'm so exhausted I can barely think."
"You should be glad your baby CAN cry. Lots of babies in the NICU have tubes in their throats and noses, and they can't cry."
"My son is being so annoying today, I just don't know what to do with him!"
"At least you have a son. I lost my baby at 13 weeks."
Uhhh.. thanks? You're right, I guess, but was making her feel like crap for being frustrated really necessary? I'll tell you: no, it wasn't. If you know a parent that does nothing but complain about their children all day every day, then by all means - throw some perspective in their face. But when a normally cheerful and happy mother complains once that she's frustrated with life or whatever, just let her have her freakin moment.
The concept that mothers must be perfect, that we must always be enjoying our children every moment, that we can never think about anything negative because it's just not proper.. this bugs me. Life isn't perfect, and I hate the way we make each other feel inferior by suggesting it should be. I hate the way we shove mothers into hiding their feelings, because of how "improper" it is to think negatively about your children.
I was once told that I must not love my children enough because I would pay someone to change all the blow out poopy diapers. Instead of thinking about how gross the poop is as it seeps over the edge of the diaper and onto your fingers, you should just be thankful that you have a baby that can make such diapers, as opposed to having suffered a loss. Uhhh.... no. I mean, yeah - I'm thankful I have a baby that can poop, but the fact that I would pay someone to live in my basement and emerge only to change all these diapers in no way means that I don't love my children, or have compassion for people who don't have pooping babies in their lives.
We really need to stop attaching this "Sunshine and Rainbows" stigma to parenting. All we're doing is hurting ourselves and each other in the process. Sure, there are some mothers who could use some perspective; that's obvious. But I think the majority of us fully understand that our lives could be worse, but that doesn't mean we have to enjoy every second of them, just the same.
That said, let's move on.
I love my children, and they are my world. When I suffered from depression for three years, they were the ONLY reason I dragged myself out of bed in the morning, and interacted with the world. They kept me going when no one and nothing else was able to. Obviously I love them. Obviously I want what's best for them. But even given all that.. my life is not sunshine and rainbows, and that's okay sometimes. It's okay that sometimes my facebook status is "I want to crawl back into bed until tomorrow." And when I post this, I don't need to be reminded of how 90% of the world is so much worse off than I am.
It really upsets me when people, especially women, suggest to other women that their feelings aren't valid because someone else is worse off somewhere. Here are some example scenarios:
"Ugh, my kids are so frustrating today. Is it nap time yet?"
"You know, there are alot of women in the world who would give anything to have frustrating children, if only they could have children at all."
"My baby was up all night crying for *insert reason here*. I'm so exhausted I can barely think."
"You should be glad your baby CAN cry. Lots of babies in the NICU have tubes in their throats and noses, and they can't cry."
"My son is being so annoying today, I just don't know what to do with him!"
"At least you have a son. I lost my baby at 13 weeks."
Uhhh.. thanks? You're right, I guess, but was making her feel like crap for being frustrated really necessary? I'll tell you: no, it wasn't. If you know a parent that does nothing but complain about their children all day every day, then by all means - throw some perspective in their face. But when a normally cheerful and happy mother complains once that she's frustrated with life or whatever, just let her have her freakin moment.
The concept that mothers must be perfect, that we must always be enjoying our children every moment, that we can never think about anything negative because it's just not proper.. this bugs me. Life isn't perfect, and I hate the way we make each other feel inferior by suggesting it should be. I hate the way we shove mothers into hiding their feelings, because of how "improper" it is to think negatively about your children.
I was once told that I must not love my children enough because I would pay someone to change all the blow out poopy diapers. Instead of thinking about how gross the poop is as it seeps over the edge of the diaper and onto your fingers, you should just be thankful that you have a baby that can make such diapers, as opposed to having suffered a loss. Uhhh.... no. I mean, yeah - I'm thankful I have a baby that can poop, but the fact that I would pay someone to live in my basement and emerge only to change all these diapers in no way means that I don't love my children, or have compassion for people who don't have pooping babies in their lives.
We really need to stop attaching this "Sunshine and Rainbows" stigma to parenting. All we're doing is hurting ourselves and each other in the process. Sure, there are some mothers who could use some perspective; that's obvious. But I think the majority of us fully understand that our lives could be worse, but that doesn't mean we have to enjoy every second of them, just the same.
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