Most of us probably remember the story of Storm, the kid with no gender. If you don't, here it is. I know it's old news, but this idea has come up a lot in my personal life, so I figured it was finally time to talk about it.
These Canadian parents are raising their child to be "gender neutral." This is of course semi-ridiculous, as a child MUST have anatomical parts pointing to them being either male, female, or both, but never neither. But the point of their "experiment" has nothing to do with biology and everything to do with society and it's effect on impressionable young children.
I have to admit, in most ways I agree with these parents. The whole thing is not about dressing your son in dresses and seeing what happens. It's not about teaching your kids that dressing "the wrong gender" is better, or that it's worse. It's about letting your children choose, for themselves, what they want. Yes, children need to know who they are. They need a strong sense of identity, and a strong sense of self. Doesn't it make more sense to let them form these senses on their own, rather than showing them how society thinks they should see themselves, and that's it? Isn't it counter intuitive to make sure that their "sense of self" is what society wants, regardless of what they want?
These parents aren't keeping their child's gender from their child, or even from the child's siblings. They are keeping the gender secret from people who don't NEED to know, because honestly, why does it matter? And the answer is almost always "so I know what to buy."
Well, that's the point these parents are trying to make. Why does the child's gender have to effect what you buy? While they are infants they have no idea what boys and girls are, and don't give a flip what you dress them in as long as it's comfortable. Babies are pretty androgynous to begin with, and no matter what you dress them in someone, somewhere, will always guess wrong. So these parents buy what THEY like until their child is old enough to choose for him/herself. This is the same thing parents of babies with a declared gender do as well. No difference there.
Once the child is old enough to choose their own clothes, again their gender makes no difference. As a friend, aunt, grandparent, you should buy what the child obviously enjoys wearing. You've seen pictures of the child in clothing, and it shouldn't be too hard to figure out if the kid prefers jeans or frilly dresses. Buy what the kid likes, not what you THINK the kid should like.
And toys.. ugh. The idea of gender specific toys irks me so much I won't even rant about it, because it would take forever. Seriously, buy it if it looks fun. Who freakin cares if it's pink or blue?!
So why is this topic near and dear to me right now? Because my oldest kid, a boy, loves pink. I asked him what color car seat he wanted, and he said pink. Unfortunately, the pink was a lot more expensive than all the other colors, or I would have bought it for him. We went to the store to pick out some new shirts, and he was drawn to the pink Dora shirts. They didn't have any in his size, but I would have bought him a pink Dora shirt otherwise (we went with Red Cars, because red is close to pink).
Why would I do this? Because ultimately, my child's happiness is more important to me that society-pressured gender roles. Who decided that pink was only for girls, anyways? Why does it even matter? The answer is simple. It doesn't. It NEVER matters. And we should stop teaching our children that it does.
And maybe this seems petty to you, to be making a huge deal out of clothes. But it's not just clothes. Gender roles are constant in our lives and those of our children. It starts with refusing to dress our boys in pink, then we're refusing to let them take ballet or musical theatre, then we're teaching them that those careers are only for women, and they should strive for more. More? So women are only worthy of LESS? Yeah, it goes there. And that's the problem.
I am against the idea of teaching my children they can't do things - any things besides child birth and peeing standing up - because of their anatomical parts. It's a totally arbitrary system, and I refuse to support it any longer. There was a time when I only bought boy clothes for my son, and girl clothes for my daughter. And that time is over. No longer will I teach my children that their gender is what defines what they can and cannot wear, do, and become. Who's with me?!
*fist pump*
Showing posts with label choices. Show all posts
Showing posts with label choices. Show all posts
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Mommy Martyrs
We've all met them - the Mommy Martyrs. Those mom's who not only sacrifice constantly for their children, and fight conventions, but make sure that everyone knows about it.
I make sacrifices for my children - most mother's do. We give up a lot of more mundane things, like time with our friends and husbands, or our bodies. We let our brains turn to mush because the only conversations we have all day long are about Dora, the color and shape of poop, and what flavor jelly to use.
Many of us also fight popular conventions. We refuse to turn our car seats around at 1 year, breastfeed, delay solids until past six months. Maybe we didn't circ, or had a natural birth. Awesome work! Keep it up! Buuut...
STFU.
Okay, so that's a bit of a stretch - no one actually says all that at once. But I have actually seen someone say "I read up on this topic while breast feeding my toddler. I find it really interesting."
.... Transparent much? Kudos to you for breast feeding your toddler. It's good for him, and it fights conventions (I'm generally ALL FOR fighting conventions). But asking for a pat on the back in random places is too self serving for my taste. That's not our job as mothers. We're supposed to do what's best for our kids, not to get attention, but because it's best for them.
Don't get me wrong. I love attention. And I love when someone notices that I'm still nursing, or that I have two rear facing car seats. Similarly, I would loathe it when someone comments negatively on these things (not that anyone ever has so far). But I see no reason to mention that I breast feed in a Facebook group about car seats, or mention that my kid is uncirc'd on a JustMommies board about breast feeding.
And (here it comes) I roll my eyes at people who do. Not all the people that do. Just that ones that seem to need validation for every choice they ever make regarding their children. Stand up for them, stand up for yourself, do your research, and make informed decisions. You don't need people to constantly notice and tell you "great job!" for doing something you should be doing anyways.
/end rant
I make sacrifices for my children - most mother's do. We give up a lot of more mundane things, like time with our friends and husbands, or our bodies. We let our brains turn to mush because the only conversations we have all day long are about Dora, the color and shape of poop, and what flavor jelly to use.
Many of us also fight popular conventions. We refuse to turn our car seats around at 1 year, breastfeed, delay solids until past six months. Maybe we didn't circ, or had a natural birth. Awesome work! Keep it up! Buuut...
STFU.
Okay, so that's a bit of a stretch - no one actually says all that at once. But I have actually seen someone say "I read up on this topic while breast feeding my toddler. I find it really interesting."
.... Transparent much? Kudos to you for breast feeding your toddler. It's good for him, and it fights conventions (I'm generally ALL FOR fighting conventions). But asking for a pat on the back in random places is too self serving for my taste. That's not our job as mothers. We're supposed to do what's best for our kids, not to get attention, but because it's best for them.
Don't get me wrong. I love attention. And I love when someone notices that I'm still nursing, or that I have two rear facing car seats. Similarly, I would loathe it when someone comments negatively on these things (not that anyone ever has so far). But I see no reason to mention that I breast feed in a Facebook group about car seats, or mention that my kid is uncirc'd on a JustMommies board about breast feeding.
And (here it comes) I roll my eyes at people who do. Not all the people that do. Just that ones that seem to need validation for every choice they ever make regarding their children. Stand up for them, stand up for yourself, do your research, and make informed decisions. You don't need people to constantly notice and tell you "great job!" for doing something you should be doing anyways.
/end rant
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Calm Down. Deep breaths!
I'm not trying to pick on my friend here, but I'm gonna use her an example. Sorry, friend!
While driving down the road, she sees a truck with a rear facing carseat in the front seat, with a kid actively in it. Carseats don't really belong in the front seat, and especially not if there's an airbag. Everyone can easily know this, because the picture on the visor looks like this:
Even if you can't read, or don't want to, it's pretty clear just from the picture, what you shouldn't be doing here, right? Okay, we're clear on this. But an airbag can be disabled, or sometimes simply turned off.
So my friend sees this truck with a baby in the front, and becomes outraged. So outraged that she wants to call the police. And this confuses me. First of all, she doesn't know that there is an airbag. She thinks she MIGHT know, because she knows someone with a truck that's the same make/model, so she assumes there's an airbag and it's not turned off.
It's weird for me to think of myself as an optimist, but I guess I am. We all make assumptions, every day, based on what we see. While my friend assumes this car has an airbag, I choose to assume it doesn't. I choose to assume that someone who will put his kid in the car rear facing, even when the seat CAN forward face, probably realized (because of the above warning) that you shouldn't do it with the airbag active, and has taken further steps to ensure the safety of his child (beyond just rear facing her). I almost always choose to assume the best case scenario, and it confuses me why other people don't.
Do you WANT to be upset with this person? What will that accomplish? Maybe if you knew him, or know where he lived, or even knew his name, then being upset and assuming the worst would matter. But you will probably never know if the truck had an active airbag, and if that kid was safe or not, so why waste energy thinking she wasn't, when you can just as easily think she was? All yous are general - I don't think this friend even reads Momland (but if you are reading, I'm not picking on you, I swear! You're just my most recent example!)
And the same thing goes for so much.
I choose to assume that a kid turned forward facing on his birthday was turned that way for the same reason I turned Luke around - the parents were concerned their child would aspirate the vomit that accompanied every rear facing car ride, and die.
I choose to believe that the majority of people don't know, rather than don't care.
I choose to assume that someone selling a car seat that expires in three months legitimately believes that someone will buy it only intending to use it for three months. There are plenty of reasons to buy a car seat for only three months - vacation, spontaneous visit from family, a family emergency - and I also choose to assume that anyone who buys a seat that expires in three months will only use it for three, maybe four months (because let's face it, they don't spontaneously combust on their expiration date, but I wouldn't push it too far).
I've seen this quoted at 80%, 90%, and 95%, so I'm gonna go with 80% (again, assuming the best). 80% of car seats are used incorrectly, in one way or another. Some misuses are more dangerous than others, but still 80%. That means that whenever I see an occupied car seat on the road or in pictures, there's an 80% chance I'm gonna have a reason to be steaming mad. And that's not counting the "misuse" that occurs when kids aren't even IN car seats. It seems like a huge waste of energy on my part to get mad every single time.
Maybe I'll carry around little notecard print outs to stick on windshields in parking lots, or put a bumper sticker on my car, but I can't possibly get upset at every single case. I have three kids, I haven't slept "enough" in over four years, and I have several other health issues that sap all my energy from me before I even get out of bed in the morning.
Maybe I'm too apathetic, maybe I'm not dedicated enough to my cause, or maybe I'm just too freakin tired to care, but I can't fathom getting violently ill every time I see a car seat misused, or a child in Publix who's parent isn't staring directly at them at all times. Either way, I choose to get upset at the worst cases:
When there is obvious, without a doubt misuse that could legitimately risk a child's life in even the basic of colisions, I will get Mommy Bear Killing Spree Raging Mad. Otherwise, I will silently throw up a prayer for the child in question, and then try to put it from my mind. I guess I just realize that you can't save them all, you can't help people who don't want to be helped, and when there's nothing you can do about it, it's best to not think about it.
I have been known to go out of my to create a scenario in which something would make sense, just so that I don't have to get upset about it. Daddy has baby rear facing in the front seat of a two-seater truck. Well, that's obvious - it's the only car he has because the car with an available (safer) back seat is in the shop, or was just stolen, or wrecked. He has no choice where to put his kid, and is doing the best he can. I have other examples, but this is just long enough already.
I have a hard time understanding why people don't always agree with me on everything, ;) but especially on this. To me, energy is precious - it is not something to be squandered fretting about things outside my control. I wish I had the energy to fight with Craigslist over expired seats, but I will e-mail first, THEN flag. I will always give people a chance to correct their own mistakes before doing it for them. But that's a whole other blog post for a whole other day.
I've used car seats as an example this whole time, because it's the cause I choose to champion (seriously, you have to have noticed that by now, yes?), but really it applies to everything. I pick my battles with my husband, I pick my battles with my children, and I pick my battles with the world. There are stupid parents everywhere, and even the best parents sometimes make errors in judgement. Sometimes choices are limited because of finances or other factors.
If someone's baby falls in a pool, I choose to think it was a freak accident until proven wrong. I will not automatically assume this mother never supervised her child ever, and was a terrible, neglectful mother.
Someone's dog gets run over by a car, and rather than I assume this dog was always allowed to run loose, I choose to believe it was a one-time "oops, the kids left the door open" incident, until someone proves me wrong.
I don't get upset over parents who use leashes for their kids, or over parents who feed their kids solids at four months (I used to, but not so much anymore). I don't get upset over parents who use walkers (I choose to assume they've taken precautions), and I don't get upset over someone getting an epidural, or even a repeat C-section as opposed to a VBAC.
There is so much REAL abuse and REAL neglect in the world, that these don't even register on my radar. I hardly notice them, and make it a point to not get annoyed or upset by them. I feel this keeps me sane.
If you're the type to get upset about these things whenever you see them, you should try it my way and see if you like it. ;)
While driving down the road, she sees a truck with a rear facing carseat in the front seat, with a kid actively in it. Carseats don't really belong in the front seat, and especially not if there's an airbag. Everyone can easily know this, because the picture on the visor looks like this:
Even if you can't read, or don't want to, it's pretty clear just from the picture, what you shouldn't be doing here, right? Okay, we're clear on this. But an airbag can be disabled, or sometimes simply turned off.
So my friend sees this truck with a baby in the front, and becomes outraged. So outraged that she wants to call the police. And this confuses me. First of all, she doesn't know that there is an airbag. She thinks she MIGHT know, because she knows someone with a truck that's the same make/model, so she assumes there's an airbag and it's not turned off.
It's weird for me to think of myself as an optimist, but I guess I am. We all make assumptions, every day, based on what we see. While my friend assumes this car has an airbag, I choose to assume it doesn't. I choose to assume that someone who will put his kid in the car rear facing, even when the seat CAN forward face, probably realized (because of the above warning) that you shouldn't do it with the airbag active, and has taken further steps to ensure the safety of his child (beyond just rear facing her). I almost always choose to assume the best case scenario, and it confuses me why other people don't.
Do you WANT to be upset with this person? What will that accomplish? Maybe if you knew him, or know where he lived, or even knew his name, then being upset and assuming the worst would matter. But you will probably never know if the truck had an active airbag, and if that kid was safe or not, so why waste energy thinking she wasn't, when you can just as easily think she was? All yous are general - I don't think this friend even reads Momland (but if you are reading, I'm not picking on you, I swear! You're just my most recent example!)
And the same thing goes for so much.
I choose to assume that a kid turned forward facing on his birthday was turned that way for the same reason I turned Luke around - the parents were concerned their child would aspirate the vomit that accompanied every rear facing car ride, and die.
I choose to believe that the majority of people don't know, rather than don't care.
I choose to assume that someone selling a car seat that expires in three months legitimately believes that someone will buy it only intending to use it for three months. There are plenty of reasons to buy a car seat for only three months - vacation, spontaneous visit from family, a family emergency - and I also choose to assume that anyone who buys a seat that expires in three months will only use it for three, maybe four months (because let's face it, they don't spontaneously combust on their expiration date, but I wouldn't push it too far).
I've seen this quoted at 80%, 90%, and 95%, so I'm gonna go with 80% (again, assuming the best). 80% of car seats are used incorrectly, in one way or another. Some misuses are more dangerous than others, but still 80%. That means that whenever I see an occupied car seat on the road or in pictures, there's an 80% chance I'm gonna have a reason to be steaming mad. And that's not counting the "misuse" that occurs when kids aren't even IN car seats. It seems like a huge waste of energy on my part to get mad every single time.
Maybe I'll carry around little notecard print outs to stick on windshields in parking lots, or put a bumper sticker on my car, but I can't possibly get upset at every single case. I have three kids, I haven't slept "enough" in over four years, and I have several other health issues that sap all my energy from me before I even get out of bed in the morning.
Maybe I'm too apathetic, maybe I'm not dedicated enough to my cause, or maybe I'm just too freakin tired to care, but I can't fathom getting violently ill every time I see a car seat misused, or a child in Publix who's parent isn't staring directly at them at all times. Either way, I choose to get upset at the worst cases:
Assuming they drive like this (I choose to assume they don't), THIS would make me ill.
When there is obvious, without a doubt misuse that could legitimately risk a child's life in even the basic of colisions, I will get Mommy Bear Killing Spree Raging Mad. Otherwise, I will silently throw up a prayer for the child in question, and then try to put it from my mind. I guess I just realize that you can't save them all, you can't help people who don't want to be helped, and when there's nothing you can do about it, it's best to not think about it.
I have been known to go out of my to create a scenario in which something would make sense, just so that I don't have to get upset about it. Daddy has baby rear facing in the front seat of a two-seater truck. Well, that's obvious - it's the only car he has because the car with an available (safer) back seat is in the shop, or was just stolen, or wrecked. He has no choice where to put his kid, and is doing the best he can. I have other examples, but this is just long enough already.
I have a hard time understanding why people don't always agree with me on everything, ;) but especially on this. To me, energy is precious - it is not something to be squandered fretting about things outside my control. I wish I had the energy to fight with Craigslist over expired seats, but I will e-mail first, THEN flag. I will always give people a chance to correct their own mistakes before doing it for them. But that's a whole other blog post for a whole other day.
I've used car seats as an example this whole time, because it's the cause I choose to champion (seriously, you have to have noticed that by now, yes?), but really it applies to everything. I pick my battles with my husband, I pick my battles with my children, and I pick my battles with the world. There are stupid parents everywhere, and even the best parents sometimes make errors in judgement. Sometimes choices are limited because of finances or other factors.
If someone's baby falls in a pool, I choose to think it was a freak accident until proven wrong. I will not automatically assume this mother never supervised her child ever, and was a terrible, neglectful mother.
Someone's dog gets run over by a car, and rather than I assume this dog was always allowed to run loose, I choose to believe it was a one-time "oops, the kids left the door open" incident, until someone proves me wrong.
I don't get upset over parents who use leashes for their kids, or over parents who feed their kids solids at four months (I used to, but not so much anymore). I don't get upset over parents who use walkers (I choose to assume they've taken precautions), and I don't get upset over someone getting an epidural, or even a repeat C-section as opposed to a VBAC.
There is so much REAL abuse and REAL neglect in the world, that these don't even register on my radar. I hardly notice them, and make it a point to not get annoyed or upset by them. I feel this keeps me sane.
If you're the type to get upset about these things whenever you see them, you should try it my way and see if you like it. ;)
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Birth, Start to Finish
I'm not gonna talk about what's right or wrong, because I honestly feel like that's different for everyone. Instead, I'm going to make a list on what *I* think a mother should be educated about and/or prepared for prior to labor onset. Once educated on the various choices, informed consent comes in to play, and it is completely the mother's choice of which risks she wants to choose. So here are the MAIN birth choices, that mothers should look into.
I tried to find useful and neutral links, but please forgive me if I misjudged somewhere. And sometimes I linked to Wikipedia, which is not THE most valid source of information sometimes, but it's still a good place to start. These links should not be the end-all to your research. You've got at least 30 weeks in most cases to learn about all this stuff, and I've only provided you with a good place to start, rather than everything you need to know.
How to Identify a bad source of information:
- You want to try to stick with source websites that are .org, .gov, or .edu. These domains have rules about what they can and cannot post, and in theory the information should be accurate. .net and .com have no rules, and they can post whatever they want. Try to avoid those.
- If the site is telling you to use a natural form of labor induction such as castor oil, spicy food, or pineapple, just walk away. While they may have some valid information on their site, feeding you wive's tales and false information makes them more than a bit sketchy.
- Wikipedia is not always accurate, so make sure you double check it.
- Avoid biased sources of information (this will be a majority of websites when it comes to birth choices). If they aren't talking about specific studies and citing sources, but promising catastrophic results for choosing ____, you should run away. Fast.
Happy researching!
(WARNING: While these links are in no way pornographic, several of them do picture women in labor or immediately after birth, and therefore in various stages of undress, with various body parts exposed. Don't click the link if your boss would object to you seeing real boobs, or if you're grossed out by birth in general. Please and thanks!)
Prenatal Care
- Obstetrician
- Midwife
- Unassisted
- To Doula or Not to Doula
Induction
- Cytotec
- Cervidil
- Pitocin
- Membrane stripping
- Breaking the water
Reasons your doctor may suggest an induction, or you may choose to request one
- You're approaching, have reached, or passed 40 weeks
- 42 weeks have come and gone
- Fetal size (baby is too big to deliver / macrosomia)
- Convenience
- Gestational Diabetes
- Complications in previous pregnancies
- Preeclamsia
Various interventions
- Group B Strep antibiotics
- Fluid pushing IVs
- Continuous fetal monitoring
- Narcotic pain management
- Epidural
- Pitocin augmentation
- Episiotomy
- Instrumental delivery (forceps or vacuum) (PDF format)
Reasons suggested for C-sections
- Fetal size (Baby too big to deliver)
- Previous C-section
- Failure to progress during labor
- Baby's position before labor (breech or transverse)
- Baby's presentation during labor (face, brow, shoulder, etc)
Immediate postnatal and beyond choices
- Breasfeeding
- Formula Feeding
- Delayed Cord Clamping
- Baby Wearing
- Diapering (Cloth vs Disposables)
There are more things a mother can research. If you try to read it all, it's possible your head my explode (but probably not). These are just some of the main issues that may come up, the more common complications, and the things you should know about BEFORE your doctor mentions them. Research your choices so that you may give legitimately informed consent. Know what you are risking, know what chances you are taking with your life and that of your baby, know what choices you have, and make your decision from there.
Other links a mother or mother-to-be might enjoy:
The Unnecessarian (Avoiding a Cesarean, and VBAC support)
ICAN (VBAC support)
Birthcenters (find a birth center)
The Center for Pregnancy and Newborn Research
Lotus Birth (an alternative birth philosophy)
Lotus Birth (an alternative birth philosophy)
La Leche League (breast feeding resources)
Attachment Parenting (A Parenting Philosophy)
Car Seat Safety (Make sure your child is safe in the car)
Car Seat Usage, with pictures (Using a car seat in a nutshell)
Choosing a Car Seat (car seats options by brand, features/stats, and price)
Water Safety (Keep kids safe in the water)
Baby Names (My blog post on how to name a baby, you may or may not like it)
Baby names for real (a real link to a real baby names site)
Shape of a Mother (what postpartum bodies really looks like)
Shape of a Mother (what postpartum bodies really looks like)
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Car Seat Safety, revisited.
The US law about turning a child around in the car is one year AND 20 pounds. If someone tells you that "10 months is close enough" or "they weigh 20 pounds so it's fine" - they are wrong. They are encouraging you to break the law. Don't listen.
Your Pediatrician is not a Certified Car Seat Technician, or a Manuel
Pediatricians don't always know everything about keeping children safe. Their job is to keep children healthy. Their job is to treat illness, and prevent death from virus, bacteria, disease, infection, etc. While sometimes they know what they are talking about, it's unfair to expect them to know everything.
If your child were to drink draino, would you call your pediatrician, or would you call poison control? If you think your child has a broken arm, do you take them to the eye doctor? While an eye doctor may be able to diagnose a broken arm, and while a pediatrician may know what to do in the case of draino indigestion, your instinct and experience tells you to pick the BEST source of information available to you. Car seat safety shouldn't be any different.
Laws are not choices
A LOT of people will exceed a posted speed limit, because the penalty for doing so isn't very high. Nevermind the added risk of speeding, nevermind the fact that speed limits aren't just arbitrary numbers picked by people in order to generate revenue. Obviously they are a good way of generating revenue, but that's not the point. If you'll notice, though - many will speed on a regular road, but few will speed through a school zone or an active construction zone. Why? Because the penalty is higher in these areas - usually double. People aren't willing to risk that. Few actually consider that a child MAY run into the road, and going to posted speed limit will give you enough time to stop. I'm sure it crosses minds at some point, but it's one of those "it'll never happen to me" kind of things.
Car seats LAWS exist for a reason. They represent the bare minimum level of safety you can accomplish. There is no law specifically about using the seat correctly, other than which direction it faces. Most states have a law that says you must use the seat according to the manual, but if you're pulling over by police they don't care if the straps are tight enough or the chest clip is too low. People will continue to ignore car seat laws until the penalty for breaking them is steeper.
Stop and Think About It
It's kind of sad really, how we as a society are inconsiderate of the lives of others, and even of our own children, when they get in the way of our own convenience. Heaven forbid we take 60 seconds longer to arrive at work because we didn't want to risk the lives of ourselves or others on the road. Heaven forbid we keep our children as safe as possible, even though they LOOK like they MIGHT BE uncomfortable (but probably aren't).
It also amazes me how many people take basic precautions in every other aspect of parenting. We don't leave cleaning products where our toddlers can find them. We don't let our toddlers play outside alone where we can't see them. We don't let our toddlers go to the grocery store by themselves, or leave them home while we run to the market. And yet we are content to risk injury to their internal organs, permanent paralysis, and even death because "they are happier when they can see me" and "it makes giving them snacks so much easier." Doesn't really make much sense does it?
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