Mommy Martyrs

We've all met them - the Mommy Martyrs.  Those mom's who not only sacrifice constantly for their children, and fight conventions, but make sure that everyone knows about it.

I make sacrifices for my children - most mother's do.  We give up a lot of more mundane things, like time with our friends and husbands, or our bodies.  We let our brains turn to mush because the only conversations we have all day long are about Dora, the color and shape of poop, and what flavor jelly to use.

Many of us also fight popular conventions.  We refuse to turn our car seats around at 1 year, breastfeed, delay solids until past six months.  Maybe we didn't circ, or had a natural birth.  Awesome work!  Keep it up!  Buuut...

STFU.

Okay, so that's a bit of a stretch - no one actually says all that at once. But I have actually seen someone say "I read up on this topic while breast feeding my toddler.  I find it really interesting."

.... Transparent much?  Kudos to you for breast feeding your toddler.  It's good for him, and it fights conventions (I'm generally ALL FOR fighting conventions).  But asking for a pat on the back in random places is too self serving for my taste.  That's not our job as mothers.  We're supposed to do what's best for our kids, not to get attention, but because it's best for them.

Don't get me wrong.  I love attention.  And I love when someone notices that I'm still nursing, or that I have two rear facing car seats.  Similarly, I would loathe it when someone comments negatively on these things (not that anyone ever has so far).  But I see no reason to mention that I breast feed in a Facebook group about car seats, or mention that my kid is uncirc'd on a JustMommies board about breast feeding.

And (here it comes) I roll my eyes at people who do.  Not all the people that do.  Just that ones that seem to need validation for every choice they ever make regarding their children.  Stand up for them, stand up for yourself, do your research, and make informed decisions.  You don't need people to constantly notice and tell you "great job!" for doing something you should be doing anyways.

/end rant

Birth, Start to Finish

I'm not gonna talk about what's right or wrong, because I honestly feel like that's different for everyone.  Instead, I'm going to make a list on what *I* think a mother should be educated about and/or prepared for prior to labor onset.  Once educated on the various choices, informed consent comes in to play, and it is completely the mother's choice of which risks she wants to choose.  So here are the MAIN birth choices, that mothers should look into.

I tried to find useful and neutral links, but please forgive me if I misjudged somewhere.  And sometimes I linked to Wikipedia, which is not THE most valid source of information sometimes, but it's still a good place to start.  These links should not be the end-all to your research.  You've got at least 30 weeks in most cases to learn about all this stuff, and I've only provided you with a good place to start, rather than everything you need to know.

How to Identify a bad source of information:

1. You want to try to stick with source websites that are .org, .gov, or .edu.  These domains have rules about what they can and cannot post, and in theory the information should be accurate.  .net and .com have no rules, and they can post whatever they want.  Try to avoid those.
2. If the site is telling you to use a natural form of labor induction such as castor oil, spicy food, or pineapple, just walk away.  While they may have some valid information on their site, feeding you wive's tales and false information makes them more than a bit sketchy.
3. Wikipedia is not always accurate, so make sure you double check it.
4. Avoid biased sources of information (this will be a majority of websites when it comes to birth choices).  If they aren't talking about specific studies and citing sources, but promising catastrophic results for choosing ____, you should run away.  Fast.

Happy researching!

(WARNING: While these links are in no way pornographic, several of them do picture women in labor or immediately after birth, and therefore in various stages of undress, with various body parts exposed.  Don't click the link if your boss would object to you seeing real boobs, or if you're grossed out by birth in general.  Please and thanks!)

Prenatal Care

• Obstetrician
• Midwife
• Unassisted
• To Doula or Not to Doula

Birthing Location

• Hospital
• Birthing Center
• Water
• Home

Induction

• Cytotec
• Cervidil
• Pitocin
• Membrane stripping
• Breaking the water

Reasons your doctor may suggest an induction, or you may choose to request one

• You're approaching, have reached, or passed 40 weeks
• 42 weeks have come and gone
• Fetal size (baby is too big to deliver / macrosomia)
• Convenience
• Gestational Diabetes
• Complications in previous pregnancies
• Preeclamsia 

Various interventions

• Group B Strep antibiotics
• Fluid pushing IVs
• Continuous fetal monitoring
• Narcotic pain management
• Epidural
• Pitocin augmentation
• Episiotomy
• Instrumental delivery (forceps or vacuum) (PDF format)

Reasons suggested for C-sections

• Fetal size (Baby too big to deliver)
• Previous C-section
• Failure to progress during labor
• Baby's position before labor (breech or transverse)
• Baby's presentation during labor (face, brow, shoulder, etc)

Immediate postnatal and beyond choices

• Breasfeeding
• Formula Feeding
• Delayed Cord Clamping
• Baby Wearing
• Diapering (Cloth vs Disposables)

There are more things a mother can research.  If you try to read it all, it's possible your head my explode (but probably not).  These are just some of the main issues that may come up, the more common complications, and the things you should know about BEFORE your doctor mentions them.  Research your choices so that you may give legitimately informed consent.  Know what you are risking, know what chances you are taking with your life and that of your baby, know what choices you have, and make your decision from there.

Other links a mother or mother-to-be might enjoy:

The Unnecessarian (Avoiding a Cesarean, and VBAC support)

ICAN (VBAC support)

Birthcenters (find a birth center)

The Center for Pregnancy and Newborn Research
Lotus Birth (an alternative birth philosophy)

La Leche League (breast feeding resources)

Attachment Parenting (A Parenting Philosophy)

Car Seat Safety (Make sure your child is safe in the car)

Car Seat Usage, with pictures (Using a car seat in a nutshell)

Choosing a Car Seat (car seats options by brand, features/stats, and price)

Water Safety (Keep kids safe in the water)

Baby Names (My blog post on how to name a baby, you may or may not like it)

Baby names for real (a real link to a real baby names site)
Shape of a Mother (what postpartum bodies really looks like)

A Plea for Accuracy

We all have passions.  Sometimes these passions come in the form of a "cause" - something we want to educate people on, and help them learn about and put into practice.  There are MANY of these in the parenting community.  There's baby wearing, vaccinating (or not), delaying solids, breast feeding, car seat safety, water safety, birth choices galore (natural, epidural, VBAC, repeat C-Section, water, home, hospital).  I'm just gonna stop there.

Whatever it is that you are passionate about, if you're going to argue it with people, you MUST BE ACCURATE!  Otherwise you just invalidate yourself to whoever catches you, and possibly your entire cause.  It's kind of a sad reality that we are quick to judge groups of people based on small sample sizes, but it's human nature, I think.  We take what we know and we run with it until we're proven wrong.

Breast feeding advocates: If you tell people that your boobs will cure cancer or that formula is poison, you're going to illicit eye rolls and scowls, and whoever you say these things to is going to assume you're talking out your rear end.  They're not going to listen to you, and they may never listen to a breast feeding activist again, because "they're all crack pots." *

VBAC advocates: If you tell women that the only way they'll ever get a VBAC is using a midwife and birthing at home, that all OBs are just scapel-happy psychos wanting to slice women open at the drop of a hat, you're gonna scare some people off, or at best make them lose hope.  Rather than fighting for what they want, you've convinced them that they have no options, because they don't want a home birth, or there are no midwives in their area.

Car seat safety advocates: If you're going to quote laws in an article you write, you should probably make sure you're right.  Double check your facts.  If you tell someone that a sippy cup is a lethal projectile in a crash, then that same someone may go to Google and search "death by sippy cup" and realize that you're full of crap.  Suddenly, everything you've told them, and everything they've read about car seat safety is seen as a racket, a bunch of bull, totally pointless.  "What else are you exaggerating or making up? Rear facing probably isn't 5 times safer, either." **

I think my point is obvious.  Advocating is awesome.  Advocate to your heart's content.  Shout from roof tops, spam your Facebook with facts and links and videos, write a blog that does or doesn't make money.  Do whatever you want to get the word out.  But whatever medium you choose, BE ACCURATE, otherwise you're hurting the cause for everyone else that actually knows what they're talking about.





* Breast milk is awesome stuff, and it's best for babies if it's available to you.  It has remarkable healing properties, and it's possible that maybe, possibly, theoretically, it can cure cancer. Maybe it has at some point in time.  It's cured pink eye and diaper rashes and eczema, anyways. But it's not the cure that scientists are looking for still.  Also, while formula has caused the death of babies in various circumstances, it's still a valid alternative when breast milk is not.

** Projectiles are a legitimate concern in a traffic collision.  A plastic, soft spout sippy cup CAN and HAS done extensive damage to the heads and faces of small children.  I encourage you to Google it if you're interested, or think I'm full of crap. ;)

Breast Feeding Will Pay for College!

Heh, no not really.  That would be awesome.  The title of this post is an example of Hyperbole.  I was exaggerating to make a point.  As someone who failed at breast feeding 2.5 times, and sort of succeeded, finally, I have an interesting perspective on the whole concept.

It really seems, from the hole we failures dig for ourselves, that the self proclaimed "Lactivists" make astronomical claims in an effort to get women to breast feed.  Breast milk cures anything, from pink eye, to diaper rash, to CANCER!  Breastfeeding will be the greatest experience of your entire existence, and you'll love every second of it!  Not to mention the things they say about the alternative to breast milk (meaning of course formula).  Commercial formula kills babies!  Commercial formula is really just rat poison!  I could go on like this, on both subjects, for quite some time.

But really, if those are the Lactivists you've encountered, then you have a poor data sample.  Most of them are more realistic, and less idealistic (read: full of crap).  Most of them don't think formula itself is the devil (though many will tell you for hours how evil Nestle is and why), but accept it as a valid alternative when breast feeding is unavailable.  They just think breast feeding should always be the first option.  They are probably right.

We've all heard that "breast is best," and we all know it's true.  We hate having it rubbed in our faces, because it just piles more dirt into the hole we've dug.  Who likes to hear that they CAN'T give their baby the best? That the "naturalist, safest, and purest" product for infants is not available to our own newborn? It sucks.  And deep down we know it's not our fault, but it doesn't matter.  Our bodies have failed us, and that's a bummer.

Everyone preaches that there needs to be more education on breast feeding.  This is true.  It can't be denied that some women fail at breast feeding because they were given bad advice or false information.  It definitely happens.  If pediatricians didn't think a baby should look like the Michelin Man by 2 weeks old, then they wouldn't tell their patients (or rather their patients' parents) to supplement.  The mother wouldn't supplement, her supply wouldn't tank, and she would have been successful.

That's all well and good.  Increase education, beat a few doctors over the head with blunt objects.  But there are a lot of support groups for breast feeding mothers.  There's Le Leche League, there are Lactation Consultants at the hospital, and there's information all over - ALL OVER - the internet.  "I didn't know" is really a poor excuse for anything these days, at least for middle class Americans that can afford the internet.  I get that people DON'T know, but they really SHOULD know.

But there is the camp of mothers like me.  Mothers who know what to do, how to do it, when to do it.  Mothers who don't do anything wrong.  Mother who just have broken boobs.  Where is our support group? We are shunned from LLL because we aren't nursing, and LCs are useless to us.  So we are left to fend for ourselves, surrounded by successful breast feeders every we go, and knowing that we failed.  And BECAUSE we know that we SHOULD be breast feeding, we see judgement every where we go.  Why is that person taring at me while I'm in the formula aisle? Why does that cashier look angry when I buy formula?  That nursing mother is just rubbing it in my face that she has functional tatas.

Honestly it sucks.  I've been there, done that.  Twice in fact.  2.5 times, since while I managed to keep my third baby interested in boobs (a little too interested if you ask me), I still never managed to successful EBF (exclusively breast feed).  There really isn't a lot of support out there, and constantly saying "I tried and failed" as a response to (sometimes only perceived) judgement gets old FAST.  We're told to suck it up, that we shouldn't feel guilty, blah blah blah.  Doesn't really help, does it?

So I'm starting a support group.  I'll even start a Facebook group.  Failed Breast Feeders R Us.  Hmm.. I need a good name.  I suppose I can change it once I get people to join..

Breast is Impossible?
Broken Boobies Club?
Disfunctional Ta Tas Anonymous?
I Hate Your Boobs?

Any ideas?

Co-Sleeping

I'm a fairly AP/TP kind of parent, especially to Heidi.

I breast feed (as much as I can) and intend to let her self wean, despite the fact that she bites.
I baby wear (I have a Baby K'Tan wrap that my wonderful Morgan bought me - see Doctor's office picture below).
I try to use gentle discipline, but I'm more an advocate for "what works" and "we talk and then we hug" doesn't always work.  But Heidi is only one, so her discipline is still very gentle (and ineffective but that's another story).
I did cloth diaper, but I hate my HEFL washing machine, and quit (cloth diapering isn't really AP but they seem to go hand in hand frequently).
I answer her cries as quick as I can.  She isn't allowed to CIO no matter how tired I am, or how frustrated I am with holding her.
And, as the title of this entry suggests, we co-sleep, a fact my husband is less than thrilled about.

I enjoy all of these things MOST of the time.  Breast feeding is less fun when she's biting or pinching me, and baby wearing is less fun in the middle of Florida's summer.  But still, for the most part, I do these things willingly and not JUST because it's better for Heidi.  Except co-sleeping.  I do not like co-sleeping.

Heidi is not the first kid to sleep in our bed.  I was against any kids in the bed for the first 2 years of Luke's life.  But at 2, he was still waking up multiple times a night, and we were so sleep deprived that we were contemplating suicide.  So finally, we brought him into our bed at night, and wondrously HE SLEPT!

If you don't know my family well, let me mention that my son, now nearing to 4, is also nearing to 60 pounds.  He outgrew his 40 pound limit car seat when he was still 2.  He's not the pillsbury dough boy or anything, but I admit he's a little chubby.  This is him now:

 

We have a queen-sized bed.  Not enormous, but relatively large.  Two adults and an enormous toddler in a queen sized bed? It's doable, right?  We often woke up like this though:

Then Heidi was born.  Sweet wonderful Heidi.  And we were now co-sleeping with an enormous toddler and a newborn, in a queen-sized bed.  Please, shoot me.  We finally got Luke out of our bed on MOST nights, though he still comes in and says "I wanna lay ness to you" at least a couple times a week.

But Heidi.  I found this link a while back, and it really sums things up for me:

http://www.amberdusick.com/woodmouse_loves_crafts/2011/06/what-it-is-like-to-not-sleep-at-night-illustrated-with-crappy-pictures.html

Particularly THIS picture:

Heidi is a Starfish.  And a twist - she's a star fish with my sense of personal space.  And she's a bi-polar sleeper.  So she spends the night alternating between "cuddle me, I want to nurse" and "DON'T TOUCH ME I NEED MY SPACE!"

Cuddle me, DON'T TOUCH ME, cuddle me, DON'T TOUCH ME!  This wouldn't be so bad if she didn't star fish.  But she does.  And we end up contorted into odd shapes in an attempt to not be touching her as she sprawls out in the middle of the bed.

Note her position in the middle of the bed, and the fact that she's sort of sideways? She does this at night when we're in the bed, too.  You see the problem here?

We can't get her OUT of our bed, because then she wakes up every hour wanting to cuddle and/or nurse again.  So we're kind of stuck.  Do we try and sleep with her in the bed, or do we try and sleep with her out of the bed? If she's in the bed we do get more sleep, but we wake up needing a massage and a chiropractor every morning.  If she sleeps out of the bed, we wake up... well, we wake up a lot, all night long.  It's kind of a lose-lose situation.

Maybe she'll grow out of it? The AP advocates always make co-sleeping sound like this amazing special experience, full of nothing but joy and good feelings.  Liars.