Mommy Martyrs

We've all met them - the Mommy Martyrs.  Those mom's who not only sacrifice constantly for their children, and fight conventions, but make sure that everyone knows about it.

I make sacrifices for my children - most mother's do.  We give up a lot of more mundane things, like time with our friends and husbands, or our bodies.  We let our brains turn to mush because the only conversations we have all day long are about Dora, the color and shape of poop, and what flavor jelly to use.

Many of us also fight popular conventions.  We refuse to turn our car seats around at 1 year, breastfeed, delay solids until past six months.  Maybe we didn't circ, or had a natural birth.  Awesome work!  Keep it up!  Buuut...

STFU.

Okay, so that's a bit of a stretch - no one actually says all that at once. But I have actually seen someone say "I read up on this topic while breast feeding my toddler.  I find it really interesting."

.... Transparent much?  Kudos to you for breast feeding your toddler.  It's good for him, and it fights conventions (I'm generally ALL FOR fighting conventions).  But asking for a pat on the back in random places is too self serving for my taste.  That's not our job as mothers.  We're supposed to do what's best for our kids, not to get attention, but because it's best for them.

Don't get me wrong.  I love attention.  And I love when someone notices that I'm still nursing, or that I have two rear facing car seats.  Similarly, I would loathe it when someone comments negatively on these things (not that anyone ever has so far).  But I see no reason to mention that I breast feed in a Facebook group about car seats, or mention that my kid is uncirc'd on a JustMommies board about breast feeding.

And (here it comes) I roll my eyes at people who do.  Not all the people that do.  Just that ones that seem to need validation for every choice they ever make regarding their children.  Stand up for them, stand up for yourself, do your research, and make informed decisions.  You don't need people to constantly notice and tell you "great job!" for doing something you should be doing anyways.

/end rant

Calm Down. Deep breaths!

I'm not trying to pick on my friend here, but I'm gonna use her an example.  Sorry, friend!

While driving down the road, she sees a truck with a rear facing carseat in the front seat, with a kid actively in it.  Carseats don't really belong in the front seat, and especially not if there's an airbag.  Everyone can easily know this, because the picture on the visor looks like this:

Even if you can't read, or don't want to, it's pretty clear just from the picture, what you shouldn't be doing here, right? Okay, we're clear on this.  But an airbag can be disabled, or sometimes simply turned off.

So my friend sees this truck with a baby in the front, and becomes outraged.  So outraged that she wants to call the police.  And this confuses me.  First of all, she doesn't know that there is an airbag.  She thinks she MIGHT know, because she knows someone with a truck that's the same make/model, so she assumes there's an airbag and it's not turned off.

It's weird for me to think of myself as an optimist, but I guess I am.  We all make assumptions, every day, based on what we see.  While my friend assumes this car has an airbag, I choose to assume it doesn't.  I choose to assume that someone who will put his kid in the car rear facing, even when the seat CAN forward face, probably realized (because of the above warning) that you shouldn't do it with the airbag active, and has taken further steps to ensure the safety of his child (beyond just rear facing her).  I almost always choose to assume the best case scenario, and it confuses me why other people don't.

Do you WANT to be upset with this person? What will that accomplish? Maybe if you knew him, or know where he lived, or even knew his name, then being upset and assuming the worst would matter.  But you will probably never know if the truck had an active airbag, and if that kid was safe or not, so why waste energy thinking she wasn't, when you can just as easily think she was?  All yous are general - I don't think this friend even reads Momland (but if you are reading, I'm not picking on you, I swear!  You're just my most recent example!)

And the same thing goes for so much.
I choose to assume that a kid turned forward facing on his birthday was turned that way for the same reason I turned Luke around - the parents were concerned their child would aspirate the vomit that accompanied every rear facing car ride, and die.

I choose to believe that the majority of people don't know, rather than don't care.

I choose to assume that someone selling a car seat that expires in three months legitimately believes that someone will buy it only intending to use it for three months.  There are plenty of reasons to buy a car seat for only three months - vacation, spontaneous visit from family, a family emergency - and I also choose to assume that anyone who buys a seat that expires in three months will only use it for three, maybe four months (because let's face it, they don't spontaneously combust on their expiration date, but I wouldn't push it too far).

I've seen this quoted at 80%, 90%, and 95%, so I'm gonna go with 80% (again, assuming the best).  80% of car seats are used incorrectly, in one way or another.  Some misuses are more dangerous than others, but still 80%.  That means that whenever I see an occupied car seat on the road or in pictures, there's an 80% chance I'm gonna have a reason to be steaming mad.  And that's not counting the "misuse" that occurs when kids aren't even IN car seats.  It seems like a huge waste of energy on my part to get mad every single time.

Maybe I'll carry around little notecard print outs to stick on windshields in parking lots, or put a bumper sticker on my car, but I can't possibly get upset at every single case.  I have three kids, I haven't slept "enough" in over four years, and I have several other health issues that sap all my energy from me before I even get out of bed in the morning.

Maybe I'm too apathetic, maybe I'm not dedicated enough to my cause, or maybe I'm just too freakin tired to care, but I can't fathom getting violently ill every time I see a car seat misused, or a child in Publix who's parent isn't staring directly at them at all times.  Either way, I choose to get upset at the worst cases:

Assuming they drive like this (I choose to assume they don't), THIS would make me ill.

When there is obvious, without a doubt misuse that could legitimately risk a child's life in even the basic of colisions, I will get Mommy Bear Killing Spree Raging Mad.  Otherwise, I will silently throw up a prayer for the child in question, and then try to put it from my mind.  I guess I just realize that you can't save them all, you can't help people who don't want to be helped, and when there's nothing you can do about it, it's best to not think about it.

I have been known to go out of my to create a scenario in which something would make sense, just so that I don't have to get upset about it.  Daddy has baby rear facing in the front seat of a two-seater truck.  Well, that's obvious - it's the only car he has because the car with an available (safer) back seat is in the shop, or was just stolen, or wrecked.  He has no choice where to put his kid, and is doing the best he can.  I have other examples, but this is just long enough already.

I have a hard time understanding why people don't always agree with me on everything, ;) but especially on this.  To me, energy is precious - it is not something to be squandered fretting about things outside my control.  I wish I had the energy to fight with Craigslist over expired seats, but I will e-mail first, THEN flag.  I will always give people a chance to correct their own mistakes before doing it for them.  But that's a whole other blog post for a whole other day.

I've used car seats as an example this whole time, because it's the cause I choose to champion (seriously, you have to have noticed that by now, yes?), but really it applies to everything.  I pick my battles with my husband, I pick my battles with my children, and I pick my battles with the world.  There are stupid parents everywhere, and even the best parents sometimes make errors in judgement.  Sometimes choices are limited because of finances or other factors.

If someone's baby falls in a pool, I choose to think it was a freak accident until proven wrong.  I will not automatically assume this mother never supervised her child ever, and was a terrible, neglectful mother.

Someone's dog gets run over by a car, and rather than I assume this dog was always allowed to run loose, I choose to believe it was a one-time "oops, the kids left the door open" incident, until someone proves me wrong.

I don't get upset over parents who use leashes for their kids, or over parents who feed their kids solids at four months (I used to, but not so much anymore).  I don't get upset over parents who use walkers (I choose to assume they've taken precautions), and I don't get upset over someone getting an epidural, or even a repeat C-section as opposed to a VBAC.

There is so much REAL abuse and REAL neglect in the world, that these don't even register on my radar.  I hardly notice them, and make it a point to not get annoyed or upset by them.  I feel this keeps me sane.

If you're the type to get upset about these things whenever you see them, you should try it my way and see if you like it. ;)

The Not So Good Wife's Guide

It seems like every woman in the country has heard about this "article from Housekeeping Monthly" published in 1955, and is sufficiently outraged by its content.  And apparently A LOT of people would jump off a bridge if a chain letter circulating via email told them to.  A quick Google search was enough to tell me that the whole thing is fake.  There was no print up in Housekeeping Monthly, and there probably wasn't even a Housekeeping Monthly.  There was no write up in an economics text book, either.  It's mere an over exaggerated view of how the life of a woman was in the 1950s, so we can feel SUPER good about how far we've come in the way we (society) view and treat our woman.

On the other hand, I'm not entirely sure that the mock "Good Wife's Guide" is 100% off the mark, as many suggest.  It's a list of 10 things "a good wife" does for her husband.  While I don't think that these things need to be done in order to be a good wife, I don't think all of them are completely out in left field, either. Let's discuss.

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal  (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed. 

Personally, I don't see anything all that wrong with this, and honestly it's the most convenient way to do things many nights if you have children.  Dinner doesn't have to be some huge, orchestrated production, but having it ready when he comes home doesn't seem that unreasonable.

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it. 

In theory, this one isn't horrible.  My husband tries very hard to not bring his work stress home with him, and it's a bit unfair for me to fling the children at him the second he walks in the door, and lock myself in the bedroom to scream into my pillow.  Of course I've done this, but to do it regularly seems crappy.  If he tries to not bring stress home, then I should probably try to not throw MY work stress in his face, either.  So taking fifteen minutes to decompress before he gets home, when it's possible to do so, seems like a fair trade.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables. 

I think this one is pretty fair.  Everyone I know is less stressed when the house is clean and decluttered.  Decreasing my husband's stress load doesn't seem unreasonable to me. 

Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction. 

Maybe I'm crazy, but the last part seems true.  I'm happier when my husband is happy, and I enjoy doing things for him, and doing things that make him happy.  Perhaps I'm just crazy.  Lighting a fire is mostly unnecessary these days, though.

Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet. 

Alright, we've finally reached a dumb one. I'm not gonna silence my children and stop my household chores when he comes home.  I do try to make sure the kids aren't screaming and throwing tantrums all at the same time, for the same reason i try to declutter before he gets home.

Be happy to see him. 

Oh yes.  This one is terrible, for sure.

Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him. 

Don't get the issue with this one either, sorry.

Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

This seems overly exagerated, but I'll run with it.  Obviously this is false.  I do think it's a nice gesture to ask him "How was work?" when he walks in the door, and let him answer.  But his day is not inherently more important than mine.  In fact, he cares more about my day, because I always have stories about the kids, than I do about his, because I don't understand a single thing he does at work.

Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax. 

There are some days when I want my husband home RIGHT now.  These are the days talked about above, where I throw the children across the room and run away as fast as I can before they come back to me like boomerangs.  Other than these days, I don't mind if my husband wanted to go to dinner with co-workers, or works late.  It doesn't seem unreasonable to let your husband have fun once in a while?

Your goal: To try and make sure your home is a place of peace, order, and tranquillity where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

That's my goal anyways.  While I do thrive with a little bit of chaos (obviously, or I wouldn't have popped out three kids in rapid fire succession and be begging my husband for another), but having a stress free home isn't a horrific goal.

Don't greet him with complaints and problems. 

Lol.  WTFever.

Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. 

This seems overkill.

Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him. 

This one I'm sort of torn on to be honest.  Of course I have the RIGHT to question his decisions, but that doesn't mean I should.  He is the head of the household after all.  And I think it's obvious that not every husband will act with fairness and truthfulness every time.  But if you are married to someone who DOESN'T, then there are some issues that need to be resolved there.  Since my husband IS fair and honest, this doesn't create a problem for me.  And if he really wants me to take off his shoes and fluff his pillow, then why the heck not?

A good wife always knows her place.

This is pretty ambiguous, since it doesn't bother to define what that place is.  I know were my place is with my husband, my children, my responsibilities, and my dogs.  That's not a bad thing.

So okay.. maybe I'm a throwback to the supposed 1950s.  But I don't think that doing small things for your husband means you're a "kept woman" or that you're treated like a slave.  The problem isn't what the wife DOES, but how the husband accepts it, and reciprocates.

Not a problem: Asking me to fluff his pillow for him

Problem: Getting mad when it's not fluffed

Not a problem: Going out to dinner with his friends

Problem: Telling me I can't

Not a problem: Having dinner ready when he gets gome

Not a problem: Constructive criticism on how not to burn the mac and cheese next time

Problem: Refusing to ear it because it's not the dish he wanted, or otherwise complaining unreasonably

Not a problem: Having the house straightened when he gets home

Problem: Expecting it to be straightened at all times and/or complaining when it's not

Not a problem: Doing things for my husband that seem mundane, over the top, like something he can do for himself, ridiculous, or demanding.

Problem: Never hearing a thank you or other forms of appreciation

Problem: Never doing anything for me

So, for me at least, the issue taken is not with "How to be a good Wife" - because honestly I don't think doing most of the things on the list will really hurt anything.  But I do expect my husband to verbally and physically appreciate the fact that he comes home to a cooked meal and a decluttered house.  He better be thankful that I fluffed his pillow, got him a drink, or let him hang with his friends instead of immediately coming home.  And he better extend the same courtesies to me.  I long as I feel respected, appreciated, and not taking advantage of, then I don't really mind being "A Good Wife" as per this erroneous article.